I moved.

Thank you for reading this blog, but I have chosen to move here.
Follow me! :)
Grace and Peace,
Me.

It is decided.

There are many things that I need to do before summer draws to a close:
1. Sleep under the stars AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
2. Hike AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
3. Eat Better
4. Run/Play Tennis or Golf AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
5. Feel the sun on my face AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
6. Make cards
7. Send letters
8. Get skirts for class (High Five for dress codes!)
9. Take Photos for people as a legit job!
10. See 'Julie and Julia'
11. Listen more
12. Breathe more.
13. Watch more.
14. Write More.
15. Photograph More.
16. Pick up glasses
17. Go to a Kiwanis meeting
18. Play golf.
19. Do Laundry
20. Love people AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

I think I will start with number one.
Good night.

Just a friendly reminder...

...See Beauty.

Amazing.

http://brookefraser.com/blog/archives/260#more-260

She says it better than I.

Easily Distracted.

On my desk at school all year was a sticky note that simply said, "Do not let your faith become easily distracted."
This was such a prayer for me the past 11 months. There is almost nothing more frustrating to me than distraction. Especially when I find myself totally willing to be distracted. I am like a stupid bug, staring at the zapper, practically letting myself get caught. This is nothing violent. It's natural and feels good. It makes sense and I can usually legitimize it
Therefore, I am amazed that this is not the case right now. I'm totally NOT distracted. I know exactly what it is I need to do and focus on. I know just where I should be and just where my heart lies. Still, I cannot help but be frustrated.
You see, I am here. In Dallas. In an apartment that is air conditioned. With an adorable dog. And every movie I could ever want to watch. And an X-Box 360. And a Wii. And a television that shows up in HD. I also have the internet and a Macbook Pro. And a Nikon D40.
Still, I am totally frustrated. There is something so unsatifying (praise Jesus!) about being here. I long for community and relationship. I want to get lost in the woods and be able to just wander to the East to find my way back. If I wandered in Dallas, Texas, I would, no doubt, get lost. Entirely lost.
This is a bittersweet thing for me. Because for the first time in a long time, I know what I want and I have my head on straight and my heart is quiet and priorities are set. Oh, bliss.
Yet, I cannot breathe. Why is this? Probably because I don't have what I want. I don't have so many friends around me. I don't have Ten West or SpringHill Camps or even Atascadero. I just have myself, and Dallas most of the day. And we sit here in silence while I try to bend time and make my sister come home from work sooner so that I can talk to a person. And even then I just miss things.
Oh, heart. You miss so much. You want so little and yet it seems like an ocean full of so much.

In Life,

One faces moments when things are changing and we are very aware of it.
Fears are faced.
Hearts are broken.
It seems to me that the last year has been a huge blur of moments memorable and ones I'd rather forget. It is hard for me to explain to people what has happened. It's not that I don't care about things. It's just that I am becoming realistic.
I am growing up.
Who knew that living this life would change so much on the day I entered my twenties? I can hardly write it down. My heart is quiet. My words are few. But I'm really okay with that. There is conflict, but there is peace. A unusual peace.
When I said goodbye to my friend Ashley the other week, I realized that no one I know knows her, really. And my life at Springhill was an area of my life that was...mine. Not my family's. Not my Moody friends'. Not anyone's. Mine.
In that moment I started to catch a hint of independence and change and quietness. I started to mourn over losing my teen years. I started to look back for just a moment. And now, I have taken a breath and I am starting to step into full adulthood. Slowly. Stepping.
My heart races even now as I look to this new phase of my life. More than a new chapter, this feels like a new book. New camera. New thoughts. New ideas. New friendships.
I so love the way that life changes. I thought for so long that I would hate it. That nothing would ever change. That I was always going to be a small-town girl with a passion to write and a need--a desperate need--for the ocean.
But what I have found these days is that I want things I didn't know I wanted. I want to live in the woods. I don't mind being single. I love camp and camping things. I love carabiners. I love hiking. I love friendships that are challenging. There is such a thing as a two-way relationship. It's okay to feel angry sometimes. I don't have to be okay. I don't have to be anything. I just need to keep my eyes of Jesus.
Even as I type, my fingers press harder and harder on the keys as something is pouring out from so deeply inside of me. An ache is floating slowly to the surface as I set down my resistance. I've been trying to cling to things that were me. things that are no longer me.
I never liked the movie Dumb and Dumber. I thought it was stupid and pointless comedy.
There is no way that I can continue to live the way that people want me to live. I need to be honest. I'm not going to hope that things are fine when I go to the dentist tomorrow. I'm going to pray. And I miss praying. I miss holding hands with close friends and praying with them. I miss relationships that are real and that I don't have to perform for.
I miss so many things. And the fact of the matter is, I have to leave it all behind me. I have to face the twenties with a new outlook. I cannot keep being a teenager who doesn't know what she wants. I know exactly what I want.
I want God. I want to speak to him in the morning and in the evening and in the middle of the night. I want to stop doubting His sovereignty and write damning sentences. I want to stop wording things the right way so as to get the results I want. I want to be His entirely. I want to start every day for the rest of my life in His presence.
I want relationships that are good and that are centered on Christ. I want to love people in every situation they are in and I want them to feel that Love. I want to put my arms around more people that need it. I want to travel. I want to be brave.
I want to take photos of what I see and not feel like I'm pretending to be a photographer. I want to make films that make people want to live differently. I want to fear less.
Normally, birthdays are supposed to be exciting. But not many called. And I took a nap. And somehow, it was just what I needed. I needed a day to move forward and to process before this all came out.
Tomorrow, life continues and I know just who I want to start the day with.
Here's to tomorrow.
And the next day.
And the next day.
And my twenties.
And every day for the rest of my life.

Old things New.

In moments when I want the words to come, but they cannot; Will not:
I thank God for film.

Michigan

I can barely process the things that happened in the past 6 weeks. Most of it was a mess of rocks, cuts, sickness, love, friendship bracelets, isolation, climbing equipment, horses, shovels, lakes, woods, fireflies and rain.

Even now at home, I am trying to find the words to describe what happened there.

I suppose that I'll just start with the start.

Just because you don't know anyone doesn't mean that God isn't going to use them to speak into your life. The people that we meet and know the least about will probably be the best people we could ever meet.

The way we love people should never be based on if it is reciprocated. Love is never conditional if it is true love. Even if they hate me. Even if they fight me. Even if they run away from me. I will love them because Jesus loves me every time I do that to him.

Christian Community is one of the greatest things about life.

Meeting someone who is just like you can be oddly encouraging and challenging at the same time. It can also make both of you very happy.

Michigan is the strong, silent type.

Being Single is okay with me.

Sometimes, we need to look at life through a lens in order to capture what is going on. (Thanks to Jess for that one)

After 40 days of preparation, I have never known less about myself. A can of worms has been opened and I realized that I am so much stronger, braver and more beautiful than I ever knew. There is so much more to me than dust and bones.

Everyone should read 'Cold Tangerines' in the summertime. Especially in Michigan.

God winked when he make Michigan.

Life is never what we expect it to be. But expectation is what drives us to love. There is a balance, for we must love without it, yet have so much confidence in it that God WILL reveal himself.

He always does.

Night.

It's night again. Tonight I sleep in my bed for the last time for 6 weeks. Tomorrow night I sleep in California for the last time in 6 weeks. Monday I arrive in Michigan.
My bag is pretty much packed and I'm going to make my backpack a 'personal item' so I can take a duffel bag. Oh, the joys of Airline regulation.
I feel like I'm stretching out in new and almost scary ways right now and it feel so strange. I'm in a haze and eveytime i look out the window it's night. The days have gone so fast.
This heart of mine is here and there and everywhere. I'm under the same roof as so much pain and I have to board that plane with the faith that I can't fix that pain. I have to willingly leave for so long, with the knowledge that it is going to hurt someone. And that's not simple.
There are days when I wish my life was much simpler. But the reality is that it isn't. The only good thing about stress is that it keeps off the Freshman 15, I guess. Oy Vey.
Breathe out.
Tonight I drove my backroads and I breathed in the wet hay and dust smell that they have. I looked up at the stars and I felt the wind on my arms as it leaned on the door. I listened to county and worship and I started to panic. Because I suddenly felt like my world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do. It was terrifying and took such a cinematic moment and turned it to nightmare. I felt like I could hardly breathe and I just kept swallowing and praying and singing louder and louder until I could focus again.
The backroads are beautiful, but at night they can change. Just like that.
I wonder what my life is going to be like the next few weeks, and I know that it will not be simple. I'm going to meet a lot of people and make friends and then say godbye to friends. My friend Julie will come visit and that will be so nice. Still, I don't want to let go of her just yet.
So I suppose that I'll take each day as it comes. Nice and easy. Day and night.

Characters.

Today, I saw a movie and I told someone the ending. 45 minutes before it happened.
This movie awakened something inside of me and for my social sake, I will not tell you what it was. But I sat there in the darkened theater and everything in me wondered about everything in me. I wanted to be able to write such amazing characters. They crept in like the sun through the trees at dusk. They were deep and broken and related to me. They told me something, too. Something that wasn't in the script.
I often get distracted by school and by work and by my life. I totally forget about the dreams that I once harbored. The dream that once started to come alive on the computer screen in front of me.
I once dreamed that these ideas of mine. These words of mine. These sentences, and thoughts, these exclaimations, and paragraphs would somehow magically turn into something worth saying. I dreamed of getting a letter in the mail from a publishing company, or a screenwriter's guild. I dreamed of one day holding in my hand that little card that says, "Equity."
I walked out of the theater with things on my mind. I thought of the two manuscripts sitting somewhere deep in this hard drive. Collecting digital dust. Using up memory.
So, why?
Why do they sit there? There is no use in having a dream unless you can actually reach for it. At one point, I reached. But I seem to have pulled back my hand in fear and in the onset of reality.
Of course, until I write to the publishers, I'll never get any kind of letter back.
The fact of the matter is: What? What could I possibly be waiting for?
They probably won't hear me.
They might not even reply.
But I don't think I can sit here any longer and stare at a blank screen, only to fill it with words I'm too afraid to speak. No, this needs to get out there.
So, thanks.
Thanks for being one of the only souls who listens to this one.
Maybe there will one day be more of you.
Byt until that day comes, it's just us, friends.
And as seemingly discouraging as that can be, it's kind of nice in moments like this.

I smile to myself as the dawn of risk rises from it's sleepy daze and looks me in the face.

Today.

"Yes," I said. "There are things that I miss.
"I miss when the hardest decision I had to make was for myself. I miss when we argued about our favorite colors and who had to unload the dishwasher.I miss that time that was long ago. So long ago that it only seems to be a dream.
"That is what I miss."
After I had said these things without stammering, I sat.
I didn't want to make the walk back home and so I sat against a cedar-brick wall in the parking lot. Th heat of the day was fading as time passed. After 20 minutes, I ran out of water. So, I stood up, picked up my empty water bottle.
"Thanks for talking, God." I added with a sigh.
Slowly walking home in running shoes, I felt very alone. Only 365 days before, this place was home. But once I moved to the city and felt what it was like to be loved fully and known fully, this place was just another place. That's all there is these days. Just places.
Home is not here, where I sit on the couch.
Home is not there, where some of my dearest friends live a few doors down.
Home is wherever He is.
Even if it's leaning against a cedar-brick wall the parking lot.

I forgot.

I forgot that the sky could be so big
I forgot that wind didn't have to be cold.
I forgot that the sun could shine for entire days at a time.
I forgot that things are never quiet.

Rather, things have different sounds.
I have traded the hum of the city
Traded for the hum of lawn-mowers and various animals.
The smell of cement has been traded for the smells of
Wet Grass at sunset
Tired backroads at night
My backyward's dry weeds.

Who knew that there could be such a beautiful thing
In browning California,
In a cloudy beach day,
In a dusty town?

Some things have changed
I do not feel the need to move around
I speak far less than I used to
I am content in quietness
My heart is cautious but it is stronger
I do not feel fully at home
For much of my heart is else where

Yet, all of my heart is in one place
All of my desire is for one thing
All of my energy is used for one reason

I am an alien
I am a stranger
I am chosen of God
And Heaven is my destiny.

Weight.

Sometimes, the weight of the world is hard to carry.
Sometimes, I want to just stop.
Sometimes, I don't believe God.
Sometimes, I just want to cry.
Sometimes, I want to run to man and not God.
Sometimes, I forget.
God is God.
Thank God I'm not.

Full.

Follow the link and hit play. Then read.
You know the drill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruOFEvqazGo

This city knows what is going on.
It is almost whispering secrets of a great love.
My heart is strangely excited and quiet.
The taxis drive by.
Some white, Some yellow.
Life is rich.
Rich in the love I don't deserve.
Rich in moments of joy.
Rich in laughter amid what feels like a hurricane.
Rich in friendships.
There is something beautiful in the heart of a woman. There is something so priceless in the ways we look at each other. There is something sad when we talk about parting. There is something amazing and heartbreaking about what I see here every day.
I sat there as they were next to each other on the bed.
One read about the brain.
One couldn't write her paper.
Finally, the one writing the paper let out a long sigh as she leaned against the reader.
They will move far from each other in 6 weeks.
Something felt so unfair, but so breautiful.
They promised to visit during the summer before the reader moves across the wide Atlantic.
There is so much pain in this place.
There is so much pain, but at the same time, so much love.
The Love far outweighs the brokenness.
Even though we can only see the brokenness.
Even when all I could do was take Jamie's hand and weep.
Even when it's 2:14 am and you don't want to be finished talking to God for the night.
The Love vastly outweighs the brokenness.
So, here's to a love that we don't deserve.
Here's to a love that answers no questions, but gives us an answer.
Here's to a Saviour who I can't keep off of my mind.

May the city whisper to you the secrets of this great love.

Raining again.

Rain is falling on Chicago as the Hancock lights up with the Olympic colors, somehow increasing our chances of getting the title of host. My stomach is hungry and my heart is tired. My soul is healing and my mind is finally slowing down. My eyes are dry for the first time in a long time; Almost an eternity it seems.
This morning I woke up to Jasmine's alarm. She was not here, so I had to climb down to get it. This picture is Chicago at 6 a.m.
.God never does things the way that we want him to and I just keep hearing that but now I am seeing it. As the rain reflects a golden light from the streetlights I am reminded to be thankful and to love.
Oh, and to be loved.

Torn.

I want to go

And I want to be there now.

No travelling

but I need some time alone.

Tomorrow is hard.

I can feel it already

So I want to stay

And hide on the backroads

With Jesus

But I know he'll follow me and lead me 

Everywhere

Stay close.

Strange days, these days.

1. I got bitten by a lady bug yesterday

2. The Monarch butterflies are migrating to Mexico, so there are literally dozens in sight all the time.

3. You can translate blogs on Myspace, so I just was reading Albanian.

4. I leave tomorrow and fly from CA to AZ to PA?! to IL. That makes sense.

5. I had a dream about my friend's wedding last night. Good thing I only messed it up in the dream.

6. I'm famous. I'm picking up a CD that my Chamber Choir made from last year. Super!

7. I don't know. I just didn't want to end on 6.

Here's hoping you enjoy the strange things that happen to you. 

Without conflict, there is no plot. 

What do I know of Holy?

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

-Addison Road

Carissa P. Remillard: This blog's for you.

Here you go.

 

Retaining.

I wish that my heart would suddenly click just like my retainer's location.

I went to the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to this weekend. Lindsay was nothing short of captivating. It seemed that it was perfect.

     So I started to think about weddings. And love. 

See, every little girl wants to be a princess. She wants to be lovely and pure of heart. She wants to be worth fighting for. 

But on the morning of the wedding, I found myself on my knees, warming Lindsay's feet with my hands. They were nearly numb from photos, and I knew it would have an effect on her. And it was her day. 

I have a feeling I was a little late in the game. 

Strangely enough, the moments I had with Linds right before the wedding as I played a minor part in her day were among my fondest. Memories of catching my sister's tears as we prayed before the ceremony so they wouldn't stain her wedding dress came flooding into my mind. 

    Lindsay walked down the aisle as David doted upon his bride with his eyes. Before we knew it, we were at the reception where music that I had helped some with played. The day had a soundtrack and I got to name a few tracks. What a blessing.

...I never danced with my father as a little girl during the father-daughter dance. I never practiced my steps for the Prom with him. Not that we had a bad relationship, but it feels like we waited a little longer. 

I sat there, watching Lindsay dance with her father to the song, 'Cinderella' as they shared something special. And then, the other fathers and daughters went out and danced. Oh, the joy of a 4 year old. 

The wedding wrapped up and I loaded my bags into the truck of a girl giving me a ride up north. I realized that my retainer might have been left at Lindsay's parents' house. I asked them to check. 

    As the hills lined the aisle of Highway 101 back home to Atascadero, California, I was at rest. My heart was full. My mind was made. I was leaning back into God. 

There has been a lot of that lately. God has been a real provider and comforter lately. He has been persistent and has fought for me the past few days. 

His Grace has been immeasurable. 

     Tonight, 4 days after the wedding, I was considering my heart. And where it was. And who it was on. And I drove past the hills and vineyards for 20 minutes to my house as the night was lit by the full moon's glow. And I turned off the radio and I asked God about some things. And I felt my heart, once again, lean back into God. 

    What a good God he is. 

    I got home, turned off the lights that my brother had left on and settled into bed. And then it hit me: My retainer is in my suitcase's back pocket. Sure enough, it was exactly where I knew it was.

    There is a strange beauty in pain. And God showed me that. In the past few days, he has been a helper, a protector, a lover, a provider, a healer, a strength, a breath, and I have almost audibly heard his heart beating. He has been close. 

     Oh, Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Stay close. Thank you for calming my heart. It's nice to look back and rest in the fact that my life is, and will always be, exactly where you knew it was.

When you feel like I do:

Read Psalm 27. 

I'm waiting.

Rain.Disappears.Friends.Focus.Light.

Sometimes, when I look out the window.

And it's 2am.

And the Hancock Building has turned off it's lights

And I'm still breathing

And I'm far from the Ocean

And I'm full of muffins and other good things

And I'm listening to good choral music,

Sometimes life just is.

There is no Justice.

No plot.

No wonder.

No fears.

No nothing. 

Just a few sirens in the night

The ones we've learned to tune out 

The ones that lull me to sleep

Just a few apartments awake in the downtown area.

And I just am.

I had the chance to borrow a Friends D40 Nikon camera the other day when it was raining and took a few pictures. I loved this camera. It sees like the way that I do. I hope you enjoy.

Love.

Open this link in another tab and then read this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jY6mFKQQCU

My view of Love changed a little bit today.
This city exploded in such a strange way for Valentines Day and suddenly everyone was everywhere. I sat inside and read the gospel. Which was oddly appropriate.
And just when I thought that I knew what love was, I found it. It was in this strange moment when Peter sees Jesus. And Jesus is back from death. And Peter throws on his robe and he jumps off the boat in complete desperation and love and excitement. And he presses on to Jesus. And a little while later, they are eating together and Jesus redeems their relationship. I almost cried.
It is more than easy to feel alone and not in love on Valentine's Day. But I realized that Jesus redeems us and I suddenly felt like throwing on my own robe and jumping out of the boat to get to a Jesus that I missed. I longed to be his. And to push for him. I wanted to sit by him on the shore of the sea, building our love again.
So I sat down at this computer and I tried to write that down. But I got a phone call. It was a friend and he wanted to go to the grocery store at 12:43am. So I went. I don't know why. But I did.
And we walked in the nice, cold evening breeze and returned. But we ended up sitting outside in the Plaza talking. And he told me the story of the first love he had. The first moment they knew they were in love. They held hands for the first time in a crowd of people. And I could see it all playing out in my head. It was beautiful.
So I wondered to myself what it would be like when I fall in love. I suppose that Jesus and I have been in love for a while, just not like this. Once I read why he was who he was and I heard his story a few times, things started to click. My Saviour is real.
As the lights of the city go out. As people are getting engaged. As the traffic thins out. I listen to this song and finally realize that when I fall in love, I hope it is something similar to this moment. When the world is quiet. My heart is still. I feel like crying and dancing at the same time. And I just know.
This is Love.

Dreams.

I always had this romantic idea in my head about living in the city and listening to people like Chantal Kreviazuk and writing. Tonight as I sit here, I am very full with the realization that I'm living a dream of mine. I have to work for it, yes. But it's a dream in progress.
The city is silent as the temperature rises to 30 degrees.
It's time again for evening walks.
Red and Green float on bars as cars stop and go
My heart beats softly
3 million people breathing
Some for the first time, others the last.
the floor is littered with books
Thousands of words remain unread
Unspoken.
Undone.
And for every moment that seems empty, there is one that is quite full
A first kiss.
A first slip in the snow
Laughter bounces off the buildings
We all act like we know what's going on
But everyone is figuring things out.
The pigment fades from our skin
The sickness pervades our lungs
We sneeze.
And yet, we are full
Because this is a dream.
Silhouettes cross the streets like ghosts.
The flashing hands tried to warn us
But we don't heed it; we just walk faster.
We walk confidently.
And you know why?
Because.
We're living a dream.

Here it sit.

In the middle of a messy dorm room with grace on one side and peace on the other. And I've been writing those words over and over and over again on cards to encourage someone. But the more I write the more tired I become. I am feeling so far from them.
How do you deal with heartbreak from 2000 miles away? I spoke with a very brave friend on Saturday but it tore me apart. Much more than I was anticipating. And the semester is busy. Much more than I was anticipating. And I'm dealing with these things SO much more than I was anticipating. Much stronger, for sure.
Chicago is in the low teens tonight and the cold air makes you cough just to inhale. The city has been quiet for a little while, but there's a fair chance that it might just be that I stopped paying attention.
I started re-reading the book 'Night' last night on the subway on the way to InnerCityImpact.
There is so much pain, Jesus. There is so much anger. There are so many questions. And we are so far from Peace.
God, bring us to that place. God give us rest. Give us peace. I love you.

Hosanna

...I *love* Worship chapel.

18 degrees, light snow

It is nice to back finally. I haven't fully been here for the past week, which is funny because I've been here. The city is starting to move again after a week of being sub-zero. It's nice to watch people cross the street once more.
Tonight I am wearing this flannel shirt, which has become my best friend. I feel calm and warm and *good* in it. Thank you, Little Boys Section at Target. Really. I feel ready for adventure.
It feels good to breathe a little bit and look forward to the weekend on a Saturday night. Three-day weekends let me rest, which I need more often than not. Perhaps I will have a chance to breathe a little more and then join in with the girls on the floor later. I feel like God has something to say first.
It had been so good to feel him drawing closer and not further. He was a much-so missed Savior, especially this last week.
So here's to:
-NOT -26 degrees tonight!
-Organizing...
-Flannel Friends.
-Books
-Pictures
-Playing Guitar
-A growing friendship
-Being.
-And a Jesus that loves me through it all.

Be Still my soul.

Break.

And Loralei yelled at Luke outside the diner and she cried out "I Love you!' over and over again. And Rory cried when Logan left because she knew that he was leaving for a long time.
And I cried when I looked at my schedule and realized that I didn't want most of the things on it to be there and I just wanted to run away to anywhere into the arms of someone.
It's 1:22 am in Chicago right now, but I'm not tired, because I'm not in Chicago.
There is this feeling in my heart that has been lingering since last week of total unsettle. I'm not 'Settling into God' like the title above says. I'm tired and I'm weary and I just want this to be okay and I needed more than anything for someone to tell me it was going to be okay, and I got voicemail after voicemail and then Lorelai ended up cheating on Luke and everyone felt like, "This is not how it's supposed to be."
But how is it supposed to be?
Am I supposed to never see him again? Am I supposed to let my heart get broken? Do you stand there and let someone do that to you? Can I sleep without fear of nightmares? When I get back to Chicago, will I be hugged? Will I have to knock on their doors? And will everyone here know that I love them? Did I fail in her eyes as much as it feels like? Did she get the voicemail. Does she remember praying for me? Will her questions be answered.
2 years is a really long time when you're almost 20 years old and you are watching someone climb down the ladder when you desperatley want them to come up to the roof with you to watch stars and discuss love. 2 years is a long time for two friends who don't ever know what's happening. 2 years is a long time, God.
Are you sure that you don't want him to call? Did I do something wrong? Am I planning this out too much? Can you forgive me for that and let me have him back? Did you want me to get this attached just to pull it apart? Are you sending me to this place to pull me in? Because I got the hint.
I turned on the radio and I heard the music and before I knew it, I was almost crying as I shouted out "I want to fall in love with you" and yet. I'm sorry. I know I do, but I've been putting falling in love on the shelf. Because it's hard to fall in love again with someone who you think is playing a trick on you. And it's hard to trust a God that feels so far away tonight.
But I know that you make enough sense to believe. Even though it isn't that much right now. And I know you're calling me to you, but I don't know how to be there. I can't process anything unless I spill everything.
Was it part of the plan to see those Jewish children playing in the snow? Was it part of the plan to see snow in Chicago dancing from the clouds? Was it part of the plan to re-open wounds when all I wanted was rest?
All Lorelai wanted was to get married. And Rory just wanted Logan to stay. And I wanted to spend time the right way. But we all got our hearts broken because maybe the things that we need are not what we think we need. Maybe seperation is the only option.
God, I don't like this. This feeling of almost upset. Of Almost angry. Of Almost crying.
And so we sit here tonight as you look into my eyes and I look into yours. And we sit in silence as the guitar sits in silence against the old chair. And my eyes ask a thousand questions. And yours stay the same. Like a toddler trying to fit the piece into the hole, I twist and turn until I finally get it. But you stay the same until I can fit my life into yours. Until I can settle into you.
Perhaps I will wake up in the morning to sunshine and humming. Perhaps I will wake up in the middle of the night afraid. Perhaps I will wake up to pressure on my heart still. Either way, you are constant.
So, forgive me for being so inconsistent. Forgive me for every moment of unbelief and avoidance. I do not deserve your grace. You do not deserve my human brokeness. But we get it. You get my brokenness and I get your grace.
An unfair trade, but the only one there is in this moment.
And fighting I flail. And running I flee. And outreaching you gather. And quietly I protest. And eventually I settle down long enough for the pain to settle in so that maybe I can learn a lesson.
But they are so hard to learn.
Oh, God.

Spring, 2008

More Lessons learned in 2008...

Brothers rarely smile in photos, but it somehow makes then better...



There IS a time when this state is Green. And it's amazing.



Real friends will drive 2 hours just for a Day of Fun at the zoo.



God allows Family moments are are rarest to be caught on camera.



This was the coolest choir I was ever in.



Sisters might be the greatest things on EARTH.

When given time alone...

...I say to myself, "One Episode and then work."
Now, 2 1/2 hours later, I go to bed with Gilmore Girls ba-ba-bah music stuck in my head thinking, "I can't believe that I just wasted that much time."
...And then the girl in me says, "I just finished another DVD!"
And with a small smile of accomplishment, I call it a night.

In the spirit of a New Year

I've decided to reflect. I've been doing this a load lately, but only in bits and pieces. But then I saw Kjieri's blog and I couldn't stop it. I need to write it all down.
For the sake of the reader, I am just going to highlight seasons. Start with the Start.

Winter, 2008:God makes Christmas magical, without snow.

The beach is still beautiful in January.

Journalism can get personal really quickly.

God

is amazing to me. I fall every single day. And yet, he uses that. NO sense is being made in that, but somehow, it means the world. I don't get Grace.