Torn.

I want to go

And I want to be there now.

No travelling

but I need some time alone.

Tomorrow is hard.

I can feel it already

So I want to stay

And hide on the backroads

With Jesus

But I know he'll follow me and lead me 

Everywhere

Stay close.

Strange days, these days.

1. I got bitten by a lady bug yesterday

2. The Monarch butterflies are migrating to Mexico, so there are literally dozens in sight all the time.

3. You can translate blogs on Myspace, so I just was reading Albanian.

4. I leave tomorrow and fly from CA to AZ to PA?! to IL. That makes sense.

5. I had a dream about my friend's wedding last night. Good thing I only messed it up in the dream.

6. I'm famous. I'm picking up a CD that my Chamber Choir made from last year. Super!

7. I don't know. I just didn't want to end on 6.

Here's hoping you enjoy the strange things that happen to you. 

Without conflict, there is no plot. 

What do I know of Holy?

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

-Addison Road

Carissa P. Remillard: This blog's for you.

Here you go.

 

Retaining.

I wish that my heart would suddenly click just like my retainer's location.

I went to the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to this weekend. Lindsay was nothing short of captivating. It seemed that it was perfect.

     So I started to think about weddings. And love. 

See, every little girl wants to be a princess. She wants to be lovely and pure of heart. She wants to be worth fighting for. 

But on the morning of the wedding, I found myself on my knees, warming Lindsay's feet with my hands. They were nearly numb from photos, and I knew it would have an effect on her. And it was her day. 

I have a feeling I was a little late in the game. 

Strangely enough, the moments I had with Linds right before the wedding as I played a minor part in her day were among my fondest. Memories of catching my sister's tears as we prayed before the ceremony so they wouldn't stain her wedding dress came flooding into my mind. 

    Lindsay walked down the aisle as David doted upon his bride with his eyes. Before we knew it, we were at the reception where music that I had helped some with played. The day had a soundtrack and I got to name a few tracks. What a blessing.

...I never danced with my father as a little girl during the father-daughter dance. I never practiced my steps for the Prom with him. Not that we had a bad relationship, but it feels like we waited a little longer. 

I sat there, watching Lindsay dance with her father to the song, 'Cinderella' as they shared something special. And then, the other fathers and daughters went out and danced. Oh, the joy of a 4 year old. 

The wedding wrapped up and I loaded my bags into the truck of a girl giving me a ride up north. I realized that my retainer might have been left at Lindsay's parents' house. I asked them to check. 

    As the hills lined the aisle of Highway 101 back home to Atascadero, California, I was at rest. My heart was full. My mind was made. I was leaning back into God. 

There has been a lot of that lately. God has been a real provider and comforter lately. He has been persistent and has fought for me the past few days. 

His Grace has been immeasurable. 

     Tonight, 4 days after the wedding, I was considering my heart. And where it was. And who it was on. And I drove past the hills and vineyards for 20 minutes to my house as the night was lit by the full moon's glow. And I turned off the radio and I asked God about some things. And I felt my heart, once again, lean back into God. 

    What a good God he is. 

    I got home, turned off the lights that my brother had left on and settled into bed. And then it hit me: My retainer is in my suitcase's back pocket. Sure enough, it was exactly where I knew it was.

    There is a strange beauty in pain. And God showed me that. In the past few days, he has been a helper, a protector, a lover, a provider, a healer, a strength, a breath, and I have almost audibly heard his heart beating. He has been close. 

     Oh, Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Stay close. Thank you for calming my heart. It's nice to look back and rest in the fact that my life is, and will always be, exactly where you knew it was.

When you feel like I do:

Read Psalm 27. 

I'm waiting.