Dreams.

I always had this romantic idea in my head about living in the city and listening to people like Chantal Kreviazuk and writing. Tonight as I sit here, I am very full with the realization that I'm living a dream of mine. I have to work for it, yes. But it's a dream in progress.
The city is silent as the temperature rises to 30 degrees.
It's time again for evening walks.
Red and Green float on bars as cars stop and go
My heart beats softly
3 million people breathing
Some for the first time, others the last.
the floor is littered with books
Thousands of words remain unread
Unspoken.
Undone.
And for every moment that seems empty, there is one that is quite full
A first kiss.
A first slip in the snow
Laughter bounces off the buildings
We all act like we know what's going on
But everyone is figuring things out.
The pigment fades from our skin
The sickness pervades our lungs
We sneeze.
And yet, we are full
Because this is a dream.
Silhouettes cross the streets like ghosts.
The flashing hands tried to warn us
But we don't heed it; we just walk faster.
We walk confidently.
And you know why?
Because.
We're living a dream.

Here it sit.

In the middle of a messy dorm room with grace on one side and peace on the other. And I've been writing those words over and over and over again on cards to encourage someone. But the more I write the more tired I become. I am feeling so far from them.
How do you deal with heartbreak from 2000 miles away? I spoke with a very brave friend on Saturday but it tore me apart. Much more than I was anticipating. And the semester is busy. Much more than I was anticipating. And I'm dealing with these things SO much more than I was anticipating. Much stronger, for sure.
Chicago is in the low teens tonight and the cold air makes you cough just to inhale. The city has been quiet for a little while, but there's a fair chance that it might just be that I stopped paying attention.
I started re-reading the book 'Night' last night on the subway on the way to InnerCityImpact.
There is so much pain, Jesus. There is so much anger. There are so many questions. And we are so far from Peace.
God, bring us to that place. God give us rest. Give us peace. I love you.

Hosanna

...I *love* Worship chapel.

18 degrees, light snow

It is nice to back finally. I haven't fully been here for the past week, which is funny because I've been here. The city is starting to move again after a week of being sub-zero. It's nice to watch people cross the street once more.
Tonight I am wearing this flannel shirt, which has become my best friend. I feel calm and warm and *good* in it. Thank you, Little Boys Section at Target. Really. I feel ready for adventure.
It feels good to breathe a little bit and look forward to the weekend on a Saturday night. Three-day weekends let me rest, which I need more often than not. Perhaps I will have a chance to breathe a little more and then join in with the girls on the floor later. I feel like God has something to say first.
It had been so good to feel him drawing closer and not further. He was a much-so missed Savior, especially this last week.
So here's to:
-NOT -26 degrees tonight!
-Organizing...
-Flannel Friends.
-Books
-Pictures
-Playing Guitar
-A growing friendship
-Being.
-And a Jesus that loves me through it all.

Be Still my soul.

Break.

And Loralei yelled at Luke outside the diner and she cried out "I Love you!' over and over again. And Rory cried when Logan left because she knew that he was leaving for a long time.
And I cried when I looked at my schedule and realized that I didn't want most of the things on it to be there and I just wanted to run away to anywhere into the arms of someone.
It's 1:22 am in Chicago right now, but I'm not tired, because I'm not in Chicago.
There is this feeling in my heart that has been lingering since last week of total unsettle. I'm not 'Settling into God' like the title above says. I'm tired and I'm weary and I just want this to be okay and I needed more than anything for someone to tell me it was going to be okay, and I got voicemail after voicemail and then Lorelai ended up cheating on Luke and everyone felt like, "This is not how it's supposed to be."
But how is it supposed to be?
Am I supposed to never see him again? Am I supposed to let my heart get broken? Do you stand there and let someone do that to you? Can I sleep without fear of nightmares? When I get back to Chicago, will I be hugged? Will I have to knock on their doors? And will everyone here know that I love them? Did I fail in her eyes as much as it feels like? Did she get the voicemail. Does she remember praying for me? Will her questions be answered.
2 years is a really long time when you're almost 20 years old and you are watching someone climb down the ladder when you desperatley want them to come up to the roof with you to watch stars and discuss love. 2 years is a long time for two friends who don't ever know what's happening. 2 years is a long time, God.
Are you sure that you don't want him to call? Did I do something wrong? Am I planning this out too much? Can you forgive me for that and let me have him back? Did you want me to get this attached just to pull it apart? Are you sending me to this place to pull me in? Because I got the hint.
I turned on the radio and I heard the music and before I knew it, I was almost crying as I shouted out "I want to fall in love with you" and yet. I'm sorry. I know I do, but I've been putting falling in love on the shelf. Because it's hard to fall in love again with someone who you think is playing a trick on you. And it's hard to trust a God that feels so far away tonight.
But I know that you make enough sense to believe. Even though it isn't that much right now. And I know you're calling me to you, but I don't know how to be there. I can't process anything unless I spill everything.
Was it part of the plan to see those Jewish children playing in the snow? Was it part of the plan to see snow in Chicago dancing from the clouds? Was it part of the plan to re-open wounds when all I wanted was rest?
All Lorelai wanted was to get married. And Rory just wanted Logan to stay. And I wanted to spend time the right way. But we all got our hearts broken because maybe the things that we need are not what we think we need. Maybe seperation is the only option.
God, I don't like this. This feeling of almost upset. Of Almost angry. Of Almost crying.
And so we sit here tonight as you look into my eyes and I look into yours. And we sit in silence as the guitar sits in silence against the old chair. And my eyes ask a thousand questions. And yours stay the same. Like a toddler trying to fit the piece into the hole, I twist and turn until I finally get it. But you stay the same until I can fit my life into yours. Until I can settle into you.
Perhaps I will wake up in the morning to sunshine and humming. Perhaps I will wake up in the middle of the night afraid. Perhaps I will wake up to pressure on my heart still. Either way, you are constant.
So, forgive me for being so inconsistent. Forgive me for every moment of unbelief and avoidance. I do not deserve your grace. You do not deserve my human brokeness. But we get it. You get my brokenness and I get your grace.
An unfair trade, but the only one there is in this moment.
And fighting I flail. And running I flee. And outreaching you gather. And quietly I protest. And eventually I settle down long enough for the pain to settle in so that maybe I can learn a lesson.
But they are so hard to learn.
Oh, God.

Spring, 2008

More Lessons learned in 2008...

Brothers rarely smile in photos, but it somehow makes then better...



There IS a time when this state is Green. And it's amazing.



Real friends will drive 2 hours just for a Day of Fun at the zoo.



God allows Family moments are are rarest to be caught on camera.



This was the coolest choir I was ever in.



Sisters might be the greatest things on EARTH.

When given time alone...

...I say to myself, "One Episode and then work."
Now, 2 1/2 hours later, I go to bed with Gilmore Girls ba-ba-bah music stuck in my head thinking, "I can't believe that I just wasted that much time."
...And then the girl in me says, "I just finished another DVD!"
And with a small smile of accomplishment, I call it a night.

In the spirit of a New Year

I've decided to reflect. I've been doing this a load lately, but only in bits and pieces. But then I saw Kjieri's blog and I couldn't stop it. I need to write it all down.
For the sake of the reader, I am just going to highlight seasons. Start with the Start.

Winter, 2008:God makes Christmas magical, without snow.

The beach is still beautiful in January.

Journalism can get personal really quickly.

God

is amazing to me. I fall every single day. And yet, he uses that. NO sense is being made in that, but somehow, it means the world. I don't get Grace.