God knows I want to write.

...but I think he's trying to teach me a lesson on patience. I've got writer's block like you wouldn't believe. I am amazed.

    I'm sitting here. Just because I've been sitting for about 5 hours now, I feel like life is over. I've wasted it! Oh, no! Part of me is like, "Relax, Melissa...it's okay to be lazy..." the other part of me wants to go running until the arms of God open up so I can collapse into them. Sheer physical exhaustion seems like a nice idea. Then, maybe, my mind will stop working. Oh, I feel lazy..

    Today I went back to school and it went surprisingly well...Oh look: A Cuesta Commercial is on TV.

I don't want to waste my life. If I don't do this tomorrow, stop reading this blog:

1. See Jesus.

2. Go running.

3. Write a few essays

4. eat healthy.

5. send money to a missionary...

6. write a letter of encouragement to someone. 

7. Smile at my fears. 

Seriously, folks. I've got to get on this. I feel better now that THAT'S of my chest. :)

Desires of my heart.

I wanna write a screenplay.

I wanna write a screenplay. 

I wanna write a screenplay.

I'm going to see John Piper tomorrow, which could be fun, because he's a great christian author and I work at a great Christian bookstore. Perhaps this will cause a little more motivation toward writing said screenplay, since he's speaking on his latest work, "Don't waste your life."

We college Students will be, Lord willing, inspired. God, help us.

Anyway. I'm sitting here, looking at books about screenwriting, and I saw this great paragraph in, "Screenwriting for Dummies" (yeah, yeah...)

It all begins with an idea. You’re driving through the city (or waiting in traffic as the case may be) and all of a sudden a childhood memory flashes before your eyes. This would make a great film. You’re reading the newspaper and a third page article sparks an array of images. This would make a great film. You’re minding your own business in some public forum when you overhear a startling conversation and—you guessed it—this would make a great film. This part of the book is about the all important idea, finding it, nurturing it, imagining it on the screen. Because you know what? It would probably make a great film, and if you don’t write it, who will?

So, there you go. I'm off to start a screenplay. Yikes. Do you ever feel that you may be meant for something big, but those who have delusions of it are known as schizophrenics? I don't want to cross the line, but I don't want to waste my life. 

I guess when I'm in love with God, it's all a little bit of the crazies sometimes. :)

The problem with publishing your life...

...is that your work is never done.
More to come tomorrow.
Because I'm hiking in 7 hours.

Time passes slowly...

I feel like the last 48 hours have gone by really slowly. I'm sitting in a clean room on a blue chair listening to James Taylor and I feel terrible. Allergies have got me. Really.

    There is something oddly re-assuring about James Taylor. I wonder if he's a calm person. He seems to be, anyway. 

     I'm in the middle of a strange time. The future is vague. The past is more a memory. The present is not what I want to focus on. Too much sad stuff. Too much confusion.

     Sneeze. Sneeze. Cough.

     Today was Easter. We were supposed to have a "dinner" around 2 or 3. We ate at 5. I guess that's the beauty of my family. I was nice, but I couldn't taste it. Oh, well. 

I feel like I'm Debbie Downer. I swear that I'm not like that, and yet, right now I am. I get so spiritually attacked when I'm sick. I found myself about to gossip or complain a lot. I cried a lot, too. It's so frustrating! I'm just physically weak, so spiritually I can barely hold myself up. Not that I can when I'm well. It's really up to God.

I watched the movie, "Enchanted" tonight. It was cute. I saw it with my sister and her husband, my brother and his girlfriend. I found myself feeling sorry again. What gives? I have Hank (sister's dog) and he's great. I don't need a boy. I don't deserve a relationship with this attitude anyway. I don't need one. I already said that.

    I do wonder when things will return to normal. Well, level out, anyway. At this point, things will never be the same again. I just have to keep moving on and trusting God. He knows what He is doing.

    Anyway, my sister wants me to pick her up at 9:15 a.m. So much for sleeping in! :)

    I hope to do more writing right now anyway. At this time. I feel really distant from a lot of things and people, so it'd be good to document how God provides. He always does. Take last summer for example. I started with no close friends. I ended with at least one. 

Baby steps.

...baby steps.

Accident

"...and I thought to myself, This can't be it. It can't end like this on Valentine's day."

I just watched the new Nooma Video called, "Open." I don't know why it's called that. I couldn't honestly tell you what Rob Bell said. I was too distracted with my own life.
Today feels like it's been a waste. It's been very unproductive. I didn't do my math.
Still, as I sit here, fully able to do it tonight, I'm not. It was a lazy Sunday and I am feeling very melancholy.
Today feels like it's been a dream. No thinking went on. I didn't spend time with God. I didn't run. I took a nap. I feel as though I am wasting my life; that I need to be making lists to accomplish anything.
I went to an old friend's house. It was empty. They've moved. So much crap went on in that house. So many sad memories. My childhood friends. My adult acquaintances. What happened? Why did the mother drink? Why did the father yell? Why did we let it go on? Why do we talk about boyfriends and high school?

1. Barnes and Noble: Pick-up special order book. Order the screenplay from 'Stranger than Fiction.'
2. Go buy perfume at the Gap.
3. Homework, I guess.

God, I am sorry. I feel like life won't stop moving, so I stop myself from moving. I don't pursue you. I don't adore you like I should. I am in a constant state of laziness, and for that--I am sorry. Honestly sorry.
Reveal to me your heart in this. Show me who you are, that I might know you more. Desire you more. Feel you more.

...Life never stops. I can't get today back. That Nooma video made me think about Car accidents and things I never wanted to see. Things that changed me in some way. I feel totally alone in this.
It says in the bible that God will give me the desires of my heart. I desire Moody. I desire the city. I desire for friends to stay and problems to go. I desire a lot of things. I guess the thing to remember is that in the end, we will all be tired. It'd better be for the right reasons.
I'm trying to live--I swear. I just hope I can prove that.

A break.

The past 24 hours were really, really fast, though, in retrospect, it was very long. Last night, I sang in one of my favorite venues. I was happy to be with friends. I was sad to learn more about some people than I wanted to learn. I was stressed about my voice breaking and relieved about no school for 2 days.
Now, I sit and feel... like a writer. My hair is full of bobby pins-the proof of last night. My ironed blue shirt still has pleats, though it's slowly getting as tired as I am. The whole time driving today, I was narrating in my head. I'm unwinding by...writing, and watching whatever is on TV (Lizzie McGuire Movie...Junior high all over again!)
Today, I was at Borders and I got stuck in the screenplay section. I fiddled with books and biographies. Siskel and Ebert. Oh, why would I dream of the movie industry. Leave me alone, thoughts.
I glance right. Lizzie is in Rome. I want to see Europe before I die. I want to see a lot of things. I want to see Central Park in late spring. Times Square at Christmas. France in November. London in...also late Spring. I guess that'll take some time.
Regardless, i cast these thoughts to Jesus. Take care of them, Love.

Beautiful, beautiful life.

I was thinking: Life is amazing.
I know some cool people.
I love to sing to speak.
I am blessed.
Just because it's a good day doesn't mean it's going to go downhill.
Maybe I can write about it tomorrow.
Yes.
Tomorrow.