Thoughts about the Beach.

So, here is my heart right now. It's been so good to feel that intimacy with Christ. Like, I've been busy and around a lot of people lately, but now that it's over, I've got that whole, 'it's-just-us-again,-Love' feeling and I take refuge in that.
I'm going to cheat, and Copy/Paste this from my journal. I know someone is reading this besides me...So, hi?
Okay...
"I’m sitting at Avila Beach. I was listening to music and watching the waves crash. After these storms, it’s as if even the ocean is exhausted. The waves weakly hit the pier. They throw themselves so hard the first time that by the time they are at the shore, they are only a few inches high. How often am I like this beach here? I push so hard into some situations that I end up tripping over my over-ambition finally stumbling into the arms of God.
For a while, I just sat here, watching the sleepy waves and the Grey sky. The rain spilled down. I realized that I may not have enough gas to get back, so I went to ask a local hotel where the nearest station was. I didn’t think there was one in this town. I was right. So, I’m crossing my fingers about that one.
Just walking did me a lot of good. I am totally sore from Frisbee. Mainly in my bad leg. This is making it hard to walk without physically using my hands to move my leg in and out of the car. Of course, as I went to look for a gas station on foot, I started to realize a few things. First off, I need to walk more than I need to run.
A man walked by and said, “It’s good just to walk…” I think I often run at something. Last night I re-arranged my room on a whim, and I don’t know if I like it, which means I’ll probably spend a lot of time today moving it around again. I exhaust myself running 90 percent of the time I’m tired.
I also realized, when I went walking, that on my right( I had been looking at the gloom on the left) it was sunny. I thought the beach was so rainy, when in reality, it was totally sunny! It’s beautiful on my right and now spreading across the sky. What an amazing misconception that was.
Now as I look at the once-tired waves they look re-energized in the sunlight. It’s almost as if they are crashing into each other. Playing with one another.
Sometimes, we get so caught up in the rain and storm that we are like, “God? When will this end? I’m hoping for you!” When all along, he was on the right. We just weren’t looking for him. We run in search for him, when we just need to take a walk. It was never that hard.
What a beautiful day you’re giving me, God. You take away my fears and my pain. I love you so much for that. Thank you for being there, even when I’m looking so hard I don’t see you. May today be a blessing. It already is."

Mom says to close the window

"It's Cold outside"
I'm sitting here, listening to the frogs and the rain sing
I'm wondering how I got to this place
I rearranged some things, and now I'm afraid.
Afraid of change.
Change is good.
Change is life.
Still, do I dare?
Even moving my bed to the side makes this room feel less like home
But things must keep moving
Until I find it all just right.
The wind moves quickly, stirring me up inside
I don't remember the last time it rained so long.
I think I was in 9. That year was a hard one
I hope this isn't the same.
God, please let this not be the same.
Of course, you are always the same.
Beautifully, always the same.
Let me find rest in that sanity.
Let me find joy in that song
May the wind keep moving. Changing. Replenishing.
May I always welcome things that are different.

Rocky Road.

I wish that my problems would melt like the ice cream in my mouth. Somehow, Ice Cream makes my life better in a way that nothing else can. It's kind of like writing. Things are consumed. Things can be sweet. You usually don't get sick of it.
I wonder why it is that I am continually hitting this wall. It's like, I know what I need to give up (Fears, Anxiety, Stress...) and yet I seem to be unable. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I can't desire it. Truly take every thought captive.
So many times I find myself learning so much and getting so close to God. I desire to be with him. I desire to please him with my life. I desire to keep his trust and to trust Him with everything. Just the same, things come at me like a whirlwind, throwing things around, making the picture blurry, the goal-line becomes too far away, and I consider giving up. I consider going back to the way things were. To living in fear. Living in doubt.
I am sure that this is not what my saviour intended.
Now comes the part of figuring out what to do. How to please God. I think that I need to stop listening to lies. All of my life, I didn't think I was like those around me. I didn't think I would be weak. I don't take naps. I don't take medicine, except for what keeps me alive. I don't allow myself to mope around. I will run. I will golf. I will turn to God. I will change things.
If I don't I will cease to live in a way I need to live.
Yet, here I am, struggling with the things I swore I wouldn't.
Hmm. I want so much to please God. I want so much to live with Joy that overcomes my fears. To be someone who is an encouragement and a blessing.
On nights when I want that the most, nights like tonight, when I'm feeling to far from that: God waits for me.
I'm coming, Love. I'm struggling, but I'm coming.
I know you will meet me where I am at. I'm relying on it. I'm trying to rely on you.

Another New Morning.

Another New Morning.
Another New Semester.
Another batch of doubts.
Another batch of answers to my endless questions.
You silence my whimpering.
You hold my reluctant heart.
You have my trust.
Don't let me take it back.
The world is breathing for now.
The rain is falling for now.
The Television is humming for Now.
In your time we will all understand.
Teach me to understand.
Teach me to settle into You.
To relax in your will.
To find love in the middle of a storm.