Act One. Scene One.

[int. bedroom]

Katie:
No. No. Um...once. Oh, gosh...a 4? Uh-huh. Yes. Goodbye.

Hangs up phone in a hurry and sits down on couch. She's tired. Her friend Marcy looks up over a newspaper.

Marcy:
Did you just do a phone survey?

Katie:
No. ...Yes.

Marcy:
I didn't know that people even did that anymore.

Katie:
Well, I'm probably the only reason they have a business.

Marcy:
They're probably the reason you're alive. Look at you. Starved for a distraction. I'm telling you. Take out? Pizza? A pile of newspapers with circles around random words? This is what we call--

Katie:
--Writer's block.

I've always entertained the idea of being a screenwriter. This scene takes place in an apartment on the upper east side of New York City in early fall.The script follows Katie through Summer. She writes every day for a year and realizes that life is more than punctuation marks.
The second scene starts with her pacing around, talking to herself, circling headlines and brushing her teeth as she stares at the screen of her computer and the blinking line following the words, "Today, I " She shuts the computer. The screen goes black and the title of the movie is typed out as music starts.
And, just the same, I close the computer and the scene that just fell out of my head becomes just another opening to some movie I swear I'm going to write.

Stars.

Things fell together tonight like the stars as they fell across the sky for no one other than me and my sweet Jesus.
He is back. My backroads Jesus. I found him when I pulled over to the side of the road. And I looked up at the thousands of stars that glittered the sky. I had forgotten them. Or most of them, anyway.
When I remember stars, I only remember a few of them. The ones I know by name. But I forget the thousands of others. I forgot that the sky has a milky way. I forgot so many things until now.
I got to see Lindsay for the first time in 7 months today. 7 months. Who knew that such a long period of time would pass so quickly? Will my life be an instant? Scripture promises that. But you know, the Bible promises a lot of things that might not be literal. Who knew that this one was? I sure didn't.
Lindsay's smile was something I had forgotten. And the way she exclaims words.
I had forgotten how dear of a friend she was to me.
When I think about the way things were; or are; or have been; or when I try to process the way that life is moving, I realize that I forget more than I remember. Surely, I will die and old, forgetful woman, simply because I do it so well.
I know a guys from church who is a physical therapist. And he says that the body forgets pain. I mean, you can remember sadness, happiness or fear. But you can't recall pain, because if you could it would be chaos. It is by God's grace you forget.
And perhaps, in all of this desire to heal, I have taught myself to forget. But with that comes the good and the bad. I forget earth-shattering pains, but also the small ones that have been equally influential in shaping me as a person.
Until, that is, I find myself on the back roads tonight. God had been calling me there ever since he met me at the ocean yesterday on a clear Saturday afternoon. It was there, as I stood on a cliff that He started to whisper my name on the salty Pacific wind.
So, tonight, the song 'My Savior's Love Endures" played as I leaned against the cool metal of my car. Occasionally, the silence met with a cow's moaning over the fence. I smiled. My feet shuffled and my arms waved in circles. Small, waltzing circles. I felt almost childish, spining under all of my forgotten friends. I let out small breaths, afraid to break this silence in the dark. I gazed. As JJ sang, "Praise the spirit, three in one," I saw a small streak on my left as the hand of God pushed a friend across the sky. I missed that.
Moments later, the song "Stars" by David Crowder came on. And the words that I heard for the hundredth and yet the first time were "How can such a thing shine its light on me and make Everything Beautiful?" Everything. Beautiful. Even pain. Even what we forget.
Perhaps, it is by God's grace that I forgot this feeling. I had forgotten the thrill of a shooting star on a cold night in December. I had forgotten the smell of damp country earth. I had forgotten the wind's whisper. For if He hadn't allowed me to forget, I never would have gotten to remember.

Closer.

Being here feels like divorce in some ways. I have my home in California with pictures of my friends from Chicago. I have my home at Moody with pictures of my friends from California. I call both places home and I trade back and forth. I live out of a suitcase and I'm better at packing now than ever. When I'm here I'm here, though.
I can't hang up the phone. I am face to face with the people that I love and that at the same time I hurt for the most.
And I keep running into writer's block. And I'm tired from school still, but I can't sleep in. So, I sit and wait to write by writing. I stay awake when I promise myself sleep. I run when I say jog. I swear I'm going to unpack, but I cannot.
My life is full of a thousand ironies that are popping up to the surface as my stomach aches when I think about pouring it all out into words. But I cannot. And I don't know why.
Slowly, God is coaxing it out of me. I am starting to breathe a little more as I slide down in my seat and stop wearing an ID around my neck. A weight is lifted.
...
When a person is in a submarine, they always get depressurized. This is when they have so much pressure from the atmosphere that they can't come up too fast or their bodies cannot adjust. This can cause death.
Perhaps, God is depressurizing me right now to let me come up slowly. The fact that I am not making many typos, nor and I using many contractions (note the 'Cannot's not the 'can't's. ) shows that I am ready t write, but my heart is tired. I am needing sleep right now.
So, here's to sleep.
Here's to family.
Here's to a good meal.
Here's to California.
Here's to Chicago.
Here's to my heart, wherever it is.
And Here's to the God who lets me surface slowly.
Baruch Ata Adonai.

Really?

In the Quiet.
In the Stillness.
I know that you are GOd.
In the Secret of your presence
I know that I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose
There is no one else for me.
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos
In confusion I know
You're sovreign still
In the moment
of my weakness
you give me grace to do your will
So when you call I won't delay.
This my song through all my days.
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring You praise
All delight is in you, Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forever more.

When things don't make sense, God does and I need to take refuge in that. Perhaps I was talking to myself when I told a friend that God does things we don't understand. They just are.
And when it comes down to it, I need to remember that.
This break will be longer than I thought.
The Nearness of God is my good.

Tired Eyes.

And after 15 hours of flight, I am back. California is much like I imagined. Only different. My bed isn't the same. My sheets are gone. Things are messy. (They will be debating the complexities of that sentence for years to come!)
There is a part of my heart in Chicago. I never knew that it was so true. Not much of me is here as I hung up photos and memories from Chicago on my Atascadero wall. They are missed.
I guess it is too early to tell, but I want something. Perhaps it is Jesus. Backroads Jesus. Perhaps it is friends. Maybe it is Christmas, or Hanukkah or one of the seemingly thousands of things that is running thru my mind.
So, in this sad attempt to get my thoughts down, I have decided this: Tomorrow, I'm going to eat, backroads, run and then Write. The perfect start.
Jesus, come meet me here. I missed you. I missed the stars. The soft cool. The silence. Love me all over again as I try to do the same with every jet-lagged ounce of me.

My fingers are cold.

They have been all day, but it's better than cold feet. And cold ears.
There is something about New York. It seems that every morning I have woken up has been better. The first day I was tired. The next I was waking up. By today I was finally waking up enough to really see New York.
And, as much as I miss home, and I wanted home, I don't feel like there is enough time here. I have a strange feeling deep within me that this city will always do that to me. I will always be unsure and then I'll lean back and nothing will be there.
This city plays tricks with my heart, too. I never know who I am here. Atleast it takes me most of the time I'm here to figure out who I am and why I'm here. I sit and write and wonder to myself if I will always be haunted by this city. Last time, I was in Manhattan and I saw beauty. Now I'm in Brooklyn and I see History and faith. I wonder if next time I will end up in the Bronx.
Processing all of this almost makes me tired, and I think I'm going to bed.
But God is here. And I'm here. And if there was any indication today, tomorrow will be lovely. I'm so glad I'm in love with my sweet Jesus. Together, we face NYC tomorrow.
Happy Chanukkah, friends. Hashi Vey nu Adonai E LeAh.

Snowing.

As I sit in front of the window looking out, I am overwhelmed. The song, "Time" is playing as I smile at how on beat it is with the falling snow. We've gotten close to 4 inches this afternoon and it is the best possible way to go out.
This morning, I took my OT final and the weight of the past 12 weeks slowly was lifted 1/200th at a time. Students are carrying bags across the plaza and each other across the plaza.
"The Call" just came on. suddenly it is so appropriate. The refrain "I'll come back" is played as I get a chill. Friends slide across the snow as I prepare my heart for Christmas and Hanukkah. As I prepare to run in Central Park day after tomorrow.
The idea of New York City is so wonderful to me. Words cannot express.
Everyone is leaving or dreaming about leaving. No one wants to pack, but everyone wants to go. I took Jess to the Airport. Man, I'm going to miss that girl. I'm going to miss Moody. I'll miss the hustle and bustle of Joe's. I'll miss the snow silencing the city. I'll miss having everything at my fingertips. I'll miss my girls. I'll miss running down Chicago Ave. I'll miss the Dean. I'll miss fist-bump Friday. I'll miss my professors. I'll miss the Plaza. I'll miss the sunrises.
And yet, at this time of year I am reminded of the one who was born to die. The God who gave him away. The love that was brought into the world. I remember snowball fights. I remember West Chicago. I remember ICI. I remember losing my glasses. I remember God meeting me. I remember writing what seem like a book. There is a strange peace about me and where I'm at. And God is saying, "Get into these arms" and I feel home.
For every thing that could break my heart. For every moment I could and do fall down. For every teardrops on my guitar moment, God is there and that makes everything better.
I'm glad I'm in the Monday Club. I'm glad that I know how to be friends with guys. I am glad I can love the girls on my floor without jelosy. I'm glad I can watch the snow fall down and know in my heart of hearts that nothing is falling down as long as He holds my hand.
Praise to Adonai: The keeper of my heart.

You are here.

Try to find me in this picture.
I was there.
And now, I am here.
There are times when nothing is due and the next few hours could take you anywhere.
There are moments when life just makes a lot of sense.
There are instances when I am at peace as the city sits, quietly anticipating the holidays.
And at last, in a moment of weakness, the buildings shine the colors from their rooftops.
The trees in the Plaza are quietly breaking.
The sidewalk is sprinkled with water stains.
The light posts are wrapped in red and light, welcoming in the season of our savior.
We are wrapped in scarves and the scents of cookies for Hanukkah.
The cold is a constant presence, but I'm determined not to let it bother me.
For Jesus didn't come to hear us complain.
What a terrible Birthday we often make it.
Have we forgotten what any of this means?
Apparently so.
I wonder to myself if the Monday club will meet today.
I need to buy a black long sleeved shirt, and I kind of just want to see Chirstmas.
For a season, the world comes together and tries to pretend it is okay.
We try and smile.
Of course, I know the Birthday Boy.
And so I have something to celebrate.
I pity those who simply do not.
In the mean time, I wear an extra layer.
I take the El downtown, admiring Chicago through the dim windows.
I find myself on State Street--that great street
Compliments of Mr. Sinatra.
And the season will be upon me until I contain it not longer.
And at last, in a Moment of weakness, I shine colors from my smile.
Sweet.
Jesus.

Rain Rain Rain...

It's back. At least the temperature is warming up. It's now in the 40's--Jubilation!
On days like today, when work is getting done, I must stop and live a little. Oh, the love of my life is so evident in thse moments. I love the way he does that.
I don't really mind the rain, though I do mind the fact that my skin is losing pigment. Hmm...
I thought I would write in an attempt at getting things out, but I guess by the grace of God, nothing needs to come out right now. We enjoy these days. Praise be to God the Almighty the King of Creation. Oh, my soul praise him for he is mine. Hope and Salvation.

Walk. See. Focus. Think. Throw. Friends.

Hey Friend.

It's funny the way we ended up.
I had no idea.
So here I am in my ironed shirt and my sweatervest.
I run.
There you are, trying to piece together what started to unravel when we were young.
I knew she would mess you up.
Here I am with a photo ID hanging around my neck, typing on my MacBook Pro.
I write.
There you are, yelling things to the world.
And Here I am, wishing I could love you in person.
Perhaps that's the hardest part.
There you are, living and struggling to feel beautiful.
Here I am, on the other side of the country.
3rd largest city.
It snowed today.
To tell you the truth, I miss you.
A lot.
And not because you make me feel like I've got things together, but quite the opposite.
When I see her, I get angry.
I try not to, but I love you too much not to.
So, I run.
I write.
December. I'll be back.
I promise that, friend. And we'll catch up.

Well,

Here is Life.
I'm tired but it is beautiful.
Notice the wind in the trees.
Notice the breath in front of you.
Notice the bruise from playing football in the mud.
Notice the shoes you're wearing.
Notice Life, please.
Thanks.

And for a Moment, the City is mine.

This is a random blog, but my brain is kind of fried from all the reading I've done. 6 books of the bible in 2 days.
It is such a good feeling to have a City like Chicago. To not just live there, but to have it.
I can live in Chicago and be here and write here and work here. But, when all the work is done and everything is getting quiet and a new day begins, it is good to have Chicago.
I've locked myself in the dorms for a few days now and I can't seem to break out of that zombie-like trance. It's as if I forgot who I was and what it means to live here. So now, I am ready for the day and I've taken a walk before breakfast. Imagine that.
I'm supposed to have a laundry party with Allie today, since no one is around. And a Great Pumpkin Party. Oh, joy. OH! I just realized!!
FALL IS HERE! And, it's October! Oh, the wonders of life that just popped into my heart as I saw this picture: Yes, the Joys of Life.
So, I just had to write it all down. Also, I am glad. Because in the middle of this newly-found freedom I am above-all excited for Jesus time. Oh, to read and write what I want to read and write about Jesus. My sweet Jesus.
None of this sillyness could ever amount to anything nearly as meaningful as Jesus. I am coming to understand, as of late, that I am His and He is mine. Oh, Jesus.
I am His and he is Mine.
And for a moment: The City is Ours!

Run/Walk.

I got a new pair of running shoes yesterday. So, today I broke them in. It's cold outside and the city is becoming my city. Kevin and I ran to Lakeshore, then along it for a while until Navy Pier and just sat looking out at the City.
There is a wrap-around the shore has and trees line these cinematic, long, paved paths to the Shore. Oh, the beauty of God is overwhemling and it felt to good to laugh and to jump and to run and to sit and to walk. Oh, to walk.
We probably travelled about 3 1/2 miles, but it was so worth it. I was sitting and listening to 'How Great is our God' by Bethany Dillon and 'We Fall Down' by Nicole Nordeman. The wind was blowing and I just breathed in Jesus. Kevin was off somewhere, and even if he had been right there, It still would have been just Jesus and I in that moment. Oh, my sweet Jesus.
So, as the wind blows in my city, I warm up and take delight in reading 2 Samuel.
There is nothing I want to do more.

Friends.

I'm really glad you're my friend, Kjieri.
haha...you might be the only one reading this, so...

Here are some reasons I am glad you're my friend
1. You talk to me, not just I to you.
2. You met me on the roof
3. You laugh at things I think are funny.
4. You are a joy.
5. Because we still have 2 years to go!

Fall.

Today is the first day of Fall.
The sun is setting.
The cars are moving.
The wind is blowing.
The trees are changing.
Slowly.
But still changing.

My heart is molding.
My fears are vanishing.
My passions are changing.
Slowly.
But still changing.

Students are stressing.
Chicago is humming.
Runners are running.
The Marathon is coming.
Clothes are changing.
Slowly.
But still changing.

Relationships are building.
Friends are staying.
My heart is opening.
I am changing.
Slowly.
But still changing.

God is calling.
God is providing.
God is Loving.
God is not changing.
Never.

Still not changing.

There are days

When I miss Home. I miss friends. I miss family. I miss feeling like I belong.

Chicago Exhaling.

It seems that this city really never stops breathing out. There is a constant sense of motion, even in the late hours when you justify staying up later because there are still cars speeding around.
As I look out the window, several things are on my heart, only a handful I have the capacity to write about.
Tonight, The city is hissing as the Taxis drive down Chicago Avenue through a seemingly endless puddle. Today was a sprinkling day. Not too much rain, but much moisture. I ran in it, which was nice. I love to run in this city. As I pass the hundreds of people, I start to forget what it's like to run back at home. The trees have all spread out and are hiding mostly in parks, where sculptures and children in uniforms fill the stand. The Hancock building is shyly hiding tonight, which makes me smile. I haven't seen it's top for a few hours.
So, in this City where you never feel the same, God has been moving. Scripture has been stirring my heart. The Pentateuch has been whispering love stories to me. I don't know how I ended up here. In this place where everyone seems to know what's going on. Sometimes, I meet up with a confused freshman or a panic-faced wanderer, but for the most part I have to figure things out day-by-day.
It's funny that here, in the middle of classes and working, I have found so much love in Hymns. So much of my joy is stemming from spending time simply in His presence, repeating the words a kindred soul wrote before my grandparents were even a thought.
There seems to be so much to learn. So many things to remember. So many friends to spend time with. So many words to write, stairs to climb (especially on the top floor!) and notes to hum as I pass from class to class.
God is calling me above the sounds of pavement and laughing and horns. God is singing to me as I settle into Him. Tonight is a night that simply fits the title of this blog.
I so Love Him.
May you find yourself in the middle of a place where God is still the center. May you silence the background noise. May you understand that you are loved beyond anything that you could ever hope.
In Chicago, we say that you should always be aware. Watch behind you. Carry a whistle.
So, I do.
And in Chicago, I am aware of Christ. I see him surrounding me. And I am not afraid anymore.

Grace and Peace.

School.

I'm not dead. I'm actually very much alive.
I just haven't been around for a while. Here's the update.
At School.
In Love.
New Friends.
the SDR?
The El
While you were sleeping!
Walks
Trader Joes
Tears
GOOD Tears
Healing
Syllabi Parties
Dance Parties
Worship Parties
Auditions
Failures
Goals
Running
Whistle
Safety
Travel in Groups
Role Models
Love
Beauty
Abide
McDonalds
Founders Week
Awethome
Mouths full of flour
Stirring
Stomach Aches
Nurses
On-Floor Sisters
24 Sisters
I love them.
I do.

Breathe in...

I can hardly believe that I'm leaving tomorrow.
There is this incredible fear and calm at the same time. It's like nothing felt before. I am ready for an adventure. I'm not ready to leave my friends when it feels like they're all coming back from Summer adventures.
I sit here with bracelets on from Hume, Puerto Rico and Kenya. With them are a thousand stories and sweet friends' memories.
...JJ Heller just released her new CD, "Painted Red" and it couldn't have come at a better time.

"I have unanswered prayers. /I have trouble I wish wasn't there. /I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away/You would take my pain away/ I am trying to understand/How to walk this weary land/ Make straight the paths that crooked lie before these feet of mine/When my world is shaking/Heaven stands/When my heart is breaking,/ I never leave your hands/ When you walked upon the earth, /you healed the broken lost and hurt/ I know you hate to see be cry,/ One day you will set all things right/ When my world is shaking/Heaven Stands/ When My heart is breaking/ I never leave your hands/ Your hands that shape the world are holding me/They're holding me They hold me still/ When my world is shaking, heaven stands/When my heart is breaking/ I never leave you/When My world is shaking/ Heaven stands/ When my heart is breaking/ I never leave / I never leave your hands."

Oh, what a beautiful songs, words and voice. You can download it for free (I know, right??) HERE.
I so love God, and I so desire to see him this week. A long week, friends. Keep me in your prayers, loves. I'll write you in 4 days when I have internet--in my dorm room.
Breathe in.

STOKED!

Trader Joe's is .6 miles from Moody.

Just as Reality hit...

Lindsay called me. AND I talked to Kendra. Good Day. :)

So Far...

I want to eat french fries. 

I mean, Freedom Fries.

What I look forward to most.

When it comes to Moody, I've been having doubts. I've been afraid of this and that and the other. I realize only now that in 19 days, the way I live my life is going to change. The backroad sunsets will be replaced by the Sears Tower. The ground squirels will turn to dogs in sweaters. The homeless woman with the beautiful face will fade into the masses of people on the corners. The bird songs will turn into sirens. 

    It's about time I stop making a list of things I don't want and start making a list of things I look forward to and love about cities. 

-The Wintersong CD in the snow. 

-Snow in general. 

-Real Fall.

-Waking up to Jesus and Lake Michigan.

-The human race

-Finally meeting the roommate I've prayed for for so long 

-Living on the top floor.

-Phone calls in the hallway.

-Reading in the Plaza

-Seeing shows

-a break from Movies...oddly enough.

-The. World's. Largest. Old. Navy. 

-Frank Sinatra.

-Magnificent Mile.

-12,000 Acres of Parks

-Number 9 greenest City

-24 hour Starbucks.

-Two words: Hobart, Indiana.

-My family in Indiana.

-The L. 

-re-connecting

-skipping rocks on Michigan.

Praise God. 

Drove Backroads.

It's gonna be okay.

No missed calls.

A little weight. 

Running isn't doing anything. 

Sitting down with a sigh, but nothing is released

So here I am, in the middle of this beauty, where the stars are screaming for me to look at them. 

So, why can't I bring myself to do it?

I don't like the sting in the eyes

I need to move to Chicago, I say. 

Never think that it doesn't matter.

Sometimes, I think Chicago is becoming an unrighteous escape. 

Is there such a thing?

Of Course.

If I had more than a quarter tank of gas.

If I had more than 100.95

If I had a chance to, I'd drive.

I'd sit on a hill so far away that no one would know.

I'd watch the sunrise in my letterman jacket.

I'd let things out and breathe in God.

I would gasp in Christ.

I would inhale deeply.

When left with too much time, I think.

Thinking leads to writing

It's a nasty habit, but at least it's not talking.

Talking gets me into trouble.

So, I drive at night and then I find this:

Stay close by my side/keep your eyes on me./Though this life is hard/I will give you perfect peace/In this time of trial/ Pain that no one sees/ Trust me when I say,/"I will give you perfect peace."/And you'll never walk alone./And you'll never be in need/ Though I may not calm the storms around you/You can hide in me/ Burdens that you bear./Offer no relief/ Let me bear your load/ 'cause I will give you perfect peace./ Stay close by my side/and you'll never walk alone/ keep your eyes on me/and you'll never be in need/ though this life is hard, know that I will/ always give you perfect peace/ I will give you perfect peace.

 So, I go to bed with that in mind. Keep your eyes on me. Though this life is hard, I will give you perfect peace. 

For once,

 I've said it. I've meant it. 

When it comes down to it, it's always you and God in the end. How beautiful. Here's a thought I wrote this weekend in Santa Cruz:

There’s something oddly refreshing about sleeping bags. Adventures that involve a house of 6 college students. The Santa Cruz homeless. Crocs in a river. Feeling genuinely hungry after a day of walking.
    I think that’s how my relationship with God needs to be. I need to make every day some kind of an adventure and take time to sleep in sleeping bags. I need to really know what it means to be hungry for Christ in a way that says, “I’ve been walking for so long and I just long to unwind with you.” I simply desire to let out a real sigh.

            There comes a point when you understand that. God, I hope I’m close. 

Here's to that: Enjoy today, for it may not end the way you thought it would, but perhaps that's for the best. 

I love it when...

The dog is chewing on your stuff.

You get done praying and the phone rings.

It's the video place and your movie is late.

Your foot is asleep.

And Yet, you don't seem to mind because God's going to make today beautiful. 

Sometimes,

Life deserves two posts in one night. 

It's just that un-predictable. 

But it's just that deserving.

Right Now.

Hiking
Fireworks

BBQ

Cute Babies

Hank

Dogsitting

Headache

Cheez-its

Harry Potter

Ultimate!

Smartwater

Fillings

Shots

Re-connecting

Home!

Away

Lonely

Tired

Nap

Batman Bootleg?

Birthday

Nah

Forgetful

Messy Room

Cleaning it up!

Phone calls

Blogging

Podcasts!

NEW Podcasts!

Worn out

Full

Praising

God.

Fears and Imagination.

I have a lot of fear, I am learning. 

Donald Miller says that in order to have a good story, you need fear. I hope he's right.

Amid all the excitement of my life lately, I find myself here again. Tonight I was sitting by the lake. crying. 

There is this fear in me that God is beautiful. That God dances with me on backroads. That God holds me when I want more than anything to be anywhere but home. That God sings me to sleep every night. 

I fear that this God that holds me, that dances with me and that sings to me is going to come to Chicago. He's going to be with me in the morning my first day of class. I fear, however, that he's going to be slammed onto a cold, metal table and disected. That the lover of my soul is going to be torn apart until all I have is tattered Jesus and a degree.

I fear that I've let this thought from the enemy hold my hand.

I feel so disconnected from people right now. I feel like there is no one to talk to. I haven't spoken to anyone on a deep level in weeks. I ache for that intimacy, yet I pull away to shield myself from the scary city of Chicago. To shield myself from home-sickness.

    Needless to say, God is pulling me in a little closer as I fall asleep tonight. I will at last rest in God knowing that He gave Bethany Dillon the words to the song, 'Imagination' for a reason. Every night I listen to it to fall asleep. So, may you be blessed as I try to breathe it in. 

Thanks for reading my mind. 

I need to be reminded of who I was

When I took my first steps out the door

All I said now follows me around

I'm reminded I'm not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me

Are the faces and the home I love

You've brought to my attention

I'm slowly changing and becoming

What I wanted to stop

Isn't that just like a finite mind?

Setting out with such righteous indignation

But now I'm at your feet

Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off

I only stopped to look

In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm

I run, I run from you

Isn't that just like a finite mind?

Setting out with such righteous indignation

But now I'm at your feet

Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up

And why you wake me every morn

The staff in my hand

Held in by your love

Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind

I set out with righteous indignation

But when I'm at your feet

Please look at me with some imagination

With some imagination

October. November. December. January. March. April.

. 

Half-empty Journals.

I don't have the gift of finishing journals. I clean my room and end up with old journals that I read late into the night. I thought I'd give you a peek:

"Dear Diary,
I just got you yesterday. You were an early Christmas present. Last night was story-telling night at school. We also had a book Fiar last weak. "
-Nov. 7, 1997

"Dear Diary,
Hello There! I have 3 new friends!"
-Feb. 24th, 2000

Things get funny. And then sometimes, they get serious.

"My steps are small/My dreams are big/My soul is broken through and Through." -8/05

"I believe it was a Tuesday/I got into your Car/ And did I hear you say, "Hello, How are you?"/ I'm sorry that I lied to you/But I didn't want to tell/I hate the loss and goodbyes/So I told you I was fine/ But if only you knew/ I never wanted to let go/ I tried again and again to forget it." -2005

"...And then I ask myself 'why do I get like this?!' I become selfish. I start to make accusations based on the basis of 'fairness'...Eleven Months, 3 heart monitors, 2 kinds of heart meds, 15 biopsies, and numerous doctors appointments later, I still havent understood why is all has happened. The teenage girl in me screams stubborn." -2006

"And I walk thru this valley/with tired eyes tonight/ but somehow it feels right that I don't know where I'm going." -2006

"When I heard you were gone the magic of summer faded. When I cried for oh, so long, all I'd said was nothing yet everything because I'd gone on with my life and you finished yours." -2006

"By faith Melissa, even though she felt alone and unsure of the future, pressed on, striving to love others. Living out her faith, she was driven by the goal." -2006

"On my right was a woman who offered me some lotion and when I turned her down on her offer of Asprin gave me a look like I kicked the pope. She had an accent and told me about how sad her life was. Alone in Los Angeles. Selling Real Estate. She finally asked the flight attendant for a bloody mary and said it'd make her sleep and asked me if I was 21 yet...I try to fall asleep to the Moody Chorale Serenading me via iPod until I see them in person. Suddenly, Chicago seems closer."-2006

It's funny how far God's taken me. Thanks for reminiscing with me. Grace and Peace!

Heart.

I love the fading of Spring to Summer.
I love the colors green and gold
I love my friends.
I congratulate them.
I don't always come in on time, but when it's all over, I like to think it's for a reason.
I feel like I'm graduating Cal Poly and it made me want to cry as I drove from Campus.
No more.
The parties were nice, yes. I enjoyed them much.
Dinner was incredible.
When the lights faded.
When the last horn echoed across the Stadium.
When my heart swelled with pride.
Hers began to fail.
When I was looking at the waves, she was looking for air.
When I was laughing at a dog, she was having a heart attack.
Sometimes, God gives us a day of love and blessings so that we can be there when it's not the case for students.
Prayers for better tomorrows.

New Song.

Wedding Dress By Derek Webb

You really should hear this song. It's kind of my heart.

Things to do for 120 seconds.

Well, we are supposed to brush our teeth for 2 minutes at a time. Therefore, I've been finding things to do while brushing....

1. Watch NBC Two-Minute Replays (30 Rock is best!)

2. Read stories on MSNBC

3. Clean my room

4. Watch the Clock

5. Do it during a commercial break!

6. Watch 'The Onion' clips

                                                     7. Talk

Here are some things NOT to do:

1. Clean my room

2. Bend over to pick things up.

3. lift heavy things

4. stop brushing because you're distracted...

5. Talk

You know, I'm sure I could think of better things to do. Maybe I can make a list of 'Things to do when you're 11 minutes early to work" God knows it's a problem...

     Well, I am tired. I found a cool blog today. Something about growing. But I can't remember the HTML, so if you see this and it's you, let me know!!

Here's a picture to make things nicer:  

A video to make you smile.

Charlie!

I love it.

Life is alright.

Especially when someone asks you how you are. And you get a good night's sleep.
Here's something to chew on.
Grace and Peace!
More on life later. I'm off to work!

Running on Empty

I feel like Hank.

Hank is my sister's dog. He never really seems to understand that 'No' means 'No.'

Hank is a great dog who is small, smart and cute, but can be a punky little rat dog. Hank will bite or chew or something that you don't want him to do. Then, he runs away. He launches himself into this frenzy where he can't seem to know what's wrong. He just disobeys. Then, you say, "Hank. No!" and he does it again. 

"Hank No!" and he does it again.

"Hank..." and he runs.

There is this feeling in me of mad cleaning. Today I cleaned the living room and all I could think was, "How do you live like this? Why is his stuff here? Who does he think he is???" I cleaned the bathroom and thought, "Who doesn't clean these counters? Why does he think it's okay to drop things? Who's socks are these?? GROSS!" 

I know it's wrong, okay? I know that it's wrong. But that little, punky rat dog is running away. I feel like I'm running away from God. I know he's there but I can't bring myself to look him in the eye. I can't seem to learn lessons. So I go running. I get dizzy. I have to walk home.

So I clean the house. There are socks in the living room. I yell at no one. I have no missed calls.

So I clean my room. I can't breathe; I want to cry. I know I'm avoiding the most important relationship. But I'm playing that part. I say, "See! I cleaned!" but I know it's with the wrong attitude. God says 'clean it again.' I say to god, "I WANT to disobey you."

   What is wrong with me? I feel rather alone, if I may be so bold to you, single reader, and that's not a good thing. I know I need Christian support, but I feel like if I ask, I'm the sad, needy girl. God, send an answer. 

    So, I sadly go on to do laundry. I run a little further. I vow to spend time with God, though I don't feel like it will help. but I know it will. So I will obey, even when I really want to stop. 

God, send an answer. 

Link Crazy...

Here's something to chew on: Loose Ends

Start the day off right.

Do it.
Lindsey Kane is a favorite Artist and this makes me respect her. You don't even know. hahaha.
Grace and Peace!

What.

Is anyone  else engaged????

Here's to Kendra, Greg, Lindsay and David. 

LOVE!

All to say...

Lots of blogs lately. Who knows.
Here's what finally came out last night. I think it sums my feelings up. Honestly...

The times I doubt my faith the most are the times God has the most to say. I sit there in a state of disbelief secretly wondering if I’m doing any of the right things. If only the people around me knew, they would shake their heads in disappointment. I’m supposed to lead.
The question is here, desiring to be asked like our hearts right before Prom. We smile at it. We even make small talk, but no matter how much we know that we should, we avoid asking. It’s socially awkward. It’s taboo. It’s real and we are afraid.

What is it that we were put here to do?

Surely, this wasn’t what you were expecting. We ask this question all the time! When we are in traffic going to work. When we are at work. When we drive home from work. When we get home and sit on the couch watching David win Idol. It is constantly on the brain. What is the meaning of life?
The problem is not in the asking of the question. It’s a matter of the conviction we feel when we ask it. If we wondered aloud what it is we are here for and acted on it and kept each other accountable to it, we would never live in a similar way again.
…because about 70 percent of our lives is planned. I will wear this top to make people notice my tan. I will eat this food to look healthier. I will run so that I can say I ran. I will get a Facebook account and pretend I don’t check it often.
I’m speaking about what is, not what must be done.
What must be done is a total sprint in the opposite way.
You see, I’m the only one who lives with me. I love and hate myself the most. I know what I meant when I said that to your face. I know what I meant when I closed my eyes and sang. I know what I think of everyone. Sometimes, I am more than a little discouraged by myself. It is in those moments that God pulls me in a little closer and tells me that it’s supposed to work like that.
We tell ourselves that these things are deserved. The enemy has opted for oblivion and blindness. If no one else cares to know what I’m feeling, I can feel what I want. I can give in to selfishness. I can dig myself deeper in self-pity and frustration, dwelling on everything my Jesus came to save me from.
So why is it that I didn’t feel convicted until now? Why is it that some of us will live our entire lives asleep? Why do I so fear being alone?
The sad truth is it’s because I don’t believe God. I don’t believe that if I come to him weak and heavy laden that he will give me rest. I don’t believe him when he says that he will show himself to me if I seek him with all of my heart. I don’t want to give him all of my heart.
Can I be that honest? Every breath we take, we fall in some way. But, He is constantly renewing us day by day by day. His grace makes no sense.
If we dared to live with the fervor and the earnestness that the bible conveys, the world would look so much different. If I didn’t pry my way into people’s lives and we weren’t good friends, and they didn’t know me and I was okay with that, would anything be better? Once you ask these questions, you question your motives for everything.
I know that I stopped for an extra second so he would see me. I know I woke up earlier to do my hair. I know I talked about my friend behind her back and smiled to her face. I know that I seem confident.
I know that I’m not always compassionate. I know that I sometimes give just to give. Did you see what I gave?
And then I hit this wall over and over and over again: What now? If I changed everything, would I be the same? If I wasn’t the same, would anyone care? If no one cared, would I be whole enough in Christ not to?
Sometimes, the Change that needs to be instigated isn’t change as much as it is courage. Courage to eat what I want to. Courage to love someone without expecting it in return. The Courage to be willing to be forgotten so that Love can be remembered.
Christ alone turns my fear to excitement until I can hardly pour it out fast enough. He calms the nerves and he soothes my heart. He whispers to me ‘this is the way. Walk in it.’ He is willing to take me in, even when it takes me a while to notice.
The beauty is that God loves me. And he knows me. It’s not that he loves me in spite of the fact that I gossip aloud or look in the mirror. He loves me when I gossip in my head and he knows I’m not confident. The deeper issues do not stir his opinion of me. He loves me when I forget him. He loves me when I try and orchestrate my life. He loves me when I take the drivers wheel. He loves me when I’m more lost in Music than Him.
These are the moments when God shows me the stars. When God says to me, “The shooting ones are dying. The quiet ones are singing.”
So, am I willing to sing? Can I take a backseat? Can I work the lights instead of direct the play or get the stage kiss?
There is something bigger than You. There is something bigger than me. There is something bigger than our careers, our goals, our feelings, our families. There is something bigger than bible college, than secular college, than cell phones, than Facebook.
I am speaking about what is, and what must be done.
I have more words than I do decent sentences, so I’ll wrap this up: I’m going to find out what that looks like and put it all on the line just to see what Jesus meant when he said to be slow to speak.

Grace and Peace,
A new Melissa.

DONE?!

I need to buy new sunglasses. Min broke, and Summer will begin in 3 hours. I cannot wrap my head around it, but as I was wrapping my head around my schedule and life the past 24 hours, I was realizing how broken things can become. a little scotch tape here and there....and we're good.
Not really.
Last night I couldn't stop crying. I was either overwhelmed with the beauty of God or the worship of God or the fear and humbleness before God. It was amazing and a good thing to share with students. I didn't want to lead worship, but my sister said, "When you feel like you can't, you need to." So glad I did. It was mind-blowing.
Summer is nearly here and I still have a busy life outside of school. I decided to mix it up for my devotional today and read from Briomag.com (a favorite magazine from high school) when I came across an article from 2005. I encourage you to take a look.
Natalie really got me thinking, which was good. Which was God.
Today, as I wrap up my first year of college, it is witha prayer for dilligence and a prayer to never lose sight of the beauty around me. I'm trying to do a bunch of California things this summer before I move. The beach every week. Mountains at least once. Disneyland. Santa Barbara. An Angels game. It's going to be amazing.
Well, I'm off to study a little more before the last final. Political Science! (A crowd favorite) Thanks for reading my mind. (and maybe following some links!)

Ah, Love.

All this love is making me want to write a love song. 

I know, right? I think I need to go running or something because I am totally overwhelmed right now. God is incredible. No, seriously, I can't seem to get that out fast enough. 

It's looking like it might be a beautiful Summer. Finals are almost done. The sun is out. Friends are getting married left and right. School will begin. Adventures must commence.

They say the you know it's an adventure when no one is there at the airport to meet you.

I'm having a hard time describing this. 

God is incredible. No, seriously. I can't get that out fast enough.

Things never happen the same way twice.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

I'm not sure why I so love this new song. I think it's because it's from the new Narnia movie, which I loved. I sat there and I suddenly saw the bigger picture. God whispered to me in the battles and kisses and hugs and magic. God winked at me when Aslan said, "Things never happen the same way twice." He is so teaching me that right now.
I am going back to UCSF Comprehensive Cancer Center. The picture above is me at 16 before my scar. I feel like it's unfair because I made it out alive and the people that are there might not. The fighter within me wants to save them.
Yes, I'm going back. It's because I can't swallow when I look up. It will be okay. Of course, there's still a small amount of fear. I'm just looking at the building in a new light.
God is doing things. He is showing me the glory in lives that are lead by him. Marriages and Finals and new friends. Things are not meant to be on our own. As I sat in the theater, I wanted to cry when I watched them launch into battle after Peter said, " I think we've waited for Aslan long enough."
How often do I say that? I forget God. I choose to control my life. I choose to make a fist rather than raise my hands. I know that this whole UCSF thing is for a good reason. I need to come back to the place I called on God the most. The place he showed himself strongest in my weakness.
God will come back when we call him. There is nothing to fear, friend.

You know...

There are so many instances that I could let take over my life. It is amazing what a great God we serve. There are times when it seems like the world is falling down. But I was realizing yesterday, morning as I walked around SLO with a new friend, that when it gets tough, something else comes a long and just makes it all seem ridiculous and sort of hilarious. I suddenly see that if you squint hard enough, you will see the trees thru the forest. I so love that about God. 

The past week has been ridiculous. I've seen so much and yet I've changed so much. I feel like it was a thousand miles away. I savor days like today.

Today was Mother's Day, which I was kind of dreading. I had reason to believe that today would be a 'bad day' but it was a good day. With some coaxing, we went to lunch and had a trip to the ocean. What a blessing it was. Here are so pictures to prove that when things get heavy, God gives you good days. I know that tomorrow I'll go back to the real world, but this escape was much needed. I love my family. Even when It's hard to see this side of them. 

Remember the Blessings

 

Skarph.

It's sunny today in San Luis. What a thought!

I almost wore a scarf, but I didn't because I wouldn't allow a scarf in May. This reminded me of the silly things in life. So, I will tell you a story of the past, rather than the Present.

To steal the phrase from Lindsey Kane...

So There I was: In choir in high school. It was Advanced Women's choir my senior year. My dear, sweet friend Chelsea was (Oh! I just thought of another story! Anyway...)writing on the white board what we'd wear for our annual Christmas Caroling. Oh, sorry--"Holiday Caroling"Whatever.

Someone said Mittens. Chelsea wrote mittens. 

Someone else said Beanies. Chelsea wrote Beanies.

Someone said Scarf. Chelsea wrote scarf. 

What happened next was a combination of Choral Cabin Fever and Erin. We liked to mess with people. So I said, "Chels, it's spelled S-K-A-R-P-H."

Chelsea asked me if I was sure, and I was like, "What you don't believe me? I'm a journalist." 

So it was that the words Skarph was on the board for 2 weeks. Even when we had to re-write the list onto the other board. Skarph remained. Thanks Chelsea.

I don't know why that was so funny to me. Choral Cabin Fever and Erin can do that to you, I guess. You tell me. 

The other story is another AWC story. We always said AWC is AWCsome. Haha.

It was A few weeks later during Secret Santa. I was sitting with my friend Julie. I said, "Lets mess with Sydney" I think I was a bully for messing with so much. But what do you do?

It went down like this. Note: The middle of Secret Santa Week.

Me: Hey, Sydney.

Sydney: Yeah?

M: Julie is your secret Santa.

S: No, she's not!

M: Yeah. She is.

Julie (To Sydney): Yes I am.

S: No, you're not. You already told me you were Melissa's Secret Santa! 

J: NO!

Me: WHAT?!

Thus, a great mystery solved. Dagg.

On a more serious note, Thanks for Prayers, guys. The kids seem to be doing better. Prayers are still coveted as the community deals with it's loss. It's been only 2 days, but I can see God healing. Praise!

Love, you are Lovely.

http://www.ksby.com/Global/story.asp?S=8286064

And it's funny how this song is my escape into the arms of God as I collapse from emotional and spiritual exhaustion. Today was much longer than I had anticipated. I wanted to talk about God with a professor. She wasn't in the office. I wanted to hear from a missionary, but he thought that under current circumstances it'd be better to let the kids talk.
Once again, a life has been lost. He was 17. It was something straight out of a movie and it seems that that is the only way I can picture it right now. Perhaps it helps. It so reminded me of the new movie, "The life before her eyes." High School Tragedies are hard to swallow and it feels like it just keeps coming back up. I was sitting and leading worship with these kids until it felt like my fingers were going to bleed. I sang out until my voice was broken and tired. It seemed like it was all I could do. Everything was chaos.
There's something so difficult about being a high school leader. Because when they are in so much pain there is nothing you can do but pray. You don't know what to say and how to act and you feel very much so unlike a leader. You want to scream, but all that can come out is a whisper. You want to hug the kids, but you are afriad they might break. You look into their tired, red eyes and your heart breaks inside. I guess this is what it is to love. It's painful.
I know that God will reveal himself, but all I want of his right now is to be held by him. I want to unwind with God. I want to dance with him. I want to see him as my beloved. My strength.
I sound like a very sad person on this blog, but tonight I am a very sad person and that's okay. No one is answering. I guess that's for the best. I need God alone right now.
Please pray for my kids and what they saw today. Pray for wisdom as I meet with one of the girls who tried to pull him out of the pool. Pray for Grace and Peace in our small town and healing in our community. Only God is capable of good in this terrible mess of chaos.
I want you to know I love you. Even if we've never met. I love you so much.

Lady bugs and Car Accidents.

You know, I didn't think that things would affect me. I didn't know you could have flashbacks at 18. Last night, I was driving onto Highway 1 when a CHP came into the intersection. I gunned it out of the way, as he flew Northbound. I knew it from the moment I looked up that there was an accident.
About a mile further down, There was a truck on the southbound side. It was white and it was on it's side. People and Cars were crowding. I could physically see another accident that had happened earlier this year: I could feel the cold air shooting into my lungs that night as I pulled out my camera and notebook for the city paper. I could see the cars twisted and crushed into each other.
While this accident proved not to be fatal, my heart burned in my chest and my breath got short. All I could say was "Dad, I don't think I want to be a journalist."
The first time that was ever said.
There is this unrealistic fear in me that it will happen. I mean, they always say, "it'll never happen to me" but it seems to be all around me. Such is life, I guess.
All of this madness makes me think to myself (as I cannot sleep because of this) How is it that I'm supposed to take this? should I cover it? Should I pray about it? Should I ignore it? God has put me here for a reason and it seems that when I try to get it all, there is another car accident. Just over the hill. Just past the turn. Just through my camera lens.
When life and writing meet, there is journalism. When fears and chaos collide, there is warfare. When God speaks, I listen. I hardly even know what to say.
The Grace of God allows me to live on. I feel like I'm always on the scene and it concerns me. It makes me worry about death and car accidents and my future. May is going to be a rough month for my family, so I guess it's just on my mind.
The Grace of God allows me to live on.

Fearing God.

I have a real problem sleeping after an earthquake. There's just something about California that freaks me out. Perhaps I'm the only one, but when I see a huge shooting star, the feeling of panic is sometimes greater than joy. I think, "There is something burning up in the sky as it comes at me."
Today, there was an earthquake. It was just small enough to not do damage, but big enough to arouse sleeping fears and it makes me contemplate the unknown. In the bible, the earth quakes a lot. Sometimes I feel like that's just the way he manifests himself the most. In nature.
God is so huge that we just don't get it most of the time. We go on with our lives until the living room shakes and it feels like someone just picked up your house and dropped it.
Sure the adrenaline rises. Memories of a 6.5 come to mind. You guess where to take cover. You sit up and get ready to move. The world sort of collapses for a moment and all you know is I-don't-know-what-to-do-I-am-not-in-control-I-might-die. Sure, that's a little dramatic, but seeing as the last earthquake killed some people, I'm not totally sure it's too much. For all I knew, LA was underwater and the North American Plate had broken off.
Sometimes I wonder if God kicks the plates around to remind us that he is so big and so in control and there's nothing we can do about it. Not in a bad way, but in a way that says, "I'm here, remember?" To get us back to good old fashioned fear and understanding that no matter how many movies we watch, how many books we read, how many people vote for Obama, He is still God. We lose sight of that from time to time.
On nights like this when my head is full of what-ifs and scary movie trailers, I wonder if fearing God is terrible. Then I remember: I'm still alive. Things will be okay.
Here's to Earthquakes.
Here's to plate tectonics.
Here's to lives lost and lives saved.
Here's to meteors.
And Here's to a God who causes it all to happen.

From 60 to 0.

Why is it that when you are the most okay with life and God is the clearest, the sky becomes cloudy and you find yourself desperate for Grace and Peace?

    I desire to see God. I desire for my house to be quiet. I want so much for my voice to be heard and for conclusions not to be drawn. I want so badly for things to be normal. For life to not be hard and for Chicago to be outside my window. 

    If you are reading this, pray for me. I so desperately need to see God. Thanks, friend.

The Grace of God wins again.

Today was an amazing day. It was beautiful in Santa Barbara where I met up with Lindsay for some much-wanted time together. It was great because we went to the beach, State street, and the Zoo! I love the zoo. 

    I came to the realization that God is always working to accomplish something good for His people. He so amazingly orchestrated everything from only using a 1/2 tank of gas to listening to "Holy is the Lord God almighty" as the sun was setting over the Pacific. I came home and talked to my friend Melissa for a while as we walked around SLO.

      This whole time, I was just thinking, "God. You're all that I really need. I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to try and make anything happen. God, you will totally orchestrate it." 

    I got home and logged online to find this Story.    I love how in control God is in everything. When I watched this clip I almost cried. God is incredible. 

   Grace and Peace. Zoo pictures to come.

Thoughts on sitting in a vineyard.

Yesterday I went to a place I hadn’t been in a while. It’s a vineyard about 2 miles from Cuesta college. I pulled to the side of the road, picked up Walking with God by Eldredge and got out of the car. I walked over to the grapes and sat down in the dirt, against a branch.
I had some things to do already and I knew I only had about an hour to spare. So much around me needed to be done and yet, I knew that if I didn’t spend time with God I would probably burst.
It was a nice enough day and I was able to wear shorts and a Tee Shirt and not be frozen stiff. As soon as I sat down, my cell phone fell out of my hand into the dirt. Since it’s spring, the vineyards are pretty soft and cultivated getting ready for a summer of growing. The field is cleaned up and the dirt is soft, so it left a little bit of dust on my phone.
I settled into the branch behind me. As I began to read about how God wants me to find him and listen to him, the wind started to blow. Still, it wasn’t so bad, because I really was being warmed by the sun. But as the time went on, The wind blew harder and harder and I found it more and more difficult to read.
There was literally a battle going on as I struggled to find God. A battle of the sun versus the wind. The warm versus the cold. I was fighting the distractions, determined to finish the chapter.
So often in my own life, I get distracted by the wind. My true source of life and light and warmth is nice and I am safe and content. After a bit, a little breeze comes by and it is nice. Soon, I begin to desire the wind. It come stronger and stronger until it is out of control. I soon do not want the wind but it is just too late.
Yesterday, I realized what a battle it is for us to simple spend time with God. What seems like a harmless distraction becomes a roadblock.
A few times a week, I sit on the second floor of Barnes and Noble’s in SLO and look out at the people below me in the plaza. Almost every time, I see the strangest thing: This man in an automatic wheelchair sits and watches people, making them feel uncomfortable and hold their kids a little closer. Every day he sits and smokes cigarette after cigarette, just watching people with this tired awkward look on his face.
Several times now, I’ve seen him go over to the security guard who watches the plaza and mutter something. After a moment’s hesitation, the guard always leans over, reaches into the man’s fanny pack, pulls out the pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and lights the man’s cigarette. He breathes in and she shakes. He smokes and coughs and gags. Still, that guard will light his cigarettes.
I wonder why it is that we fell into this trap. We see something that looks like a good idea, when in reality it is making the problem worse. I am not saying this man is a bad man, or the guard is a bad guard. I’m just sitting here on the second floor, wondering if that’s how things are supposed to work.
When one forgets to spend time with God, one begins to take things into their own hands. After a week of prayer, they assume God will not work and they make the first move. Things will always fall apart.
I wonder what it’s going to take before I stop doing what I think I’m supposed to do. Before I stop lighting cigarettes and realize that I’m making the problem worse. Before I enjoy the sun without the wind.
God, teach me to understand that things aren’t in my control, but that doesn’t mean I need to give up. Help me to fight to see and feel the sun. Remind me that I am yours and that you are worth fighting for. Discipline me to spend time with you, even when it’s against my instinct.