Valentines Day.

Jesus, Lover of my Soul.

Jesus, I will never let you go.

You've taken me from the miry clay

Set my feet upon the rock, and now I know.

I love you. 

I need you.

And though my world may fall, I'll never let you go.

My Saviour, My closest Friend

I will worship you until the very end.

Worship You, O, Lord.

Until the Very End.

Worship You, O Lord.

Until the very end.

Moments like this come and go, but it is my prayer that I hold onto Jesus. So often, we have the chance to desire another love. A new Hobby. A new Person. But, Truth be told, I don't think I want it. Sure, I think I want it. Yet, in this time of uncertainty, I want to hold on to Jesus.

I guess that's a good thing. I watched a chick flick today. One man loved a girl. Another man loved the same girl. So, one was alone and dealing with it in the end.

    We aren't all meant to live out the same plot as all the other characters. 

   Listen, (those of you who read this...) I can tell you this: I am in Love. 

     At this point, who cares if it's not a guy? Who cares if it's not a hobby or a new person? There is no greater Joy on Valentines Day that a date with God. The Sunset it just for me tomorrow. The breeze is just to cool me off. The Sun is shining to light up the world for me.  What else could a girl ask for? 

    Tomorrow, I will pack up my guitar. I will go on a date. I will drive some place that we are alone-just the two of us. I will sing him love songs. For that, I am glad. 

Life Support.

Today, I read a story about a bride who died during her first dance with her husband. Heart Failure. I thought to myself, Really?

    Tonight, I watched a movie called life support, a fresh awakening to AIDS. Sometimes, i feel like I can do nothing to fight HIV/AIDS. I just have to watch.

Yesterday, I got a letter of acceptance to a school I want to go to. Suddenly, I became afraid. I don't want to leave. To move on. I started to look at my fears more specifically, and realized I fear being alone. I fear being the only one who cares about HIV/AIDS. I fear being the only one at Chico. I fear being alone. Period. Not having a wedding day. 

    So, God: Take my fears. I don't think this is how you intended it. 

A sweet calm.

Well, I love when you get really stressed out and things are crazy and then you get a nice reminder that you aren't alone. 

    Last night I had dinner with a friend whom I hadn't seen in a while, and it was really awesome getting to re-connect. I had gone long enough alone, right? I love that God blesses me so much with friendship and communion with other believers. What an encouragement, and breath of fresh air. It was totally needed on Wednesday. Now, I'm re-energized in time for the rest of the week. School. Bible Study. School. Beach. School. PT. Work. It's all going to get faster now. At least I'm caught up now. 

    Praise be to God!

Funny.

I's funny that I feel like this, but I guess that it's only a matter of time until these things happen. 

I have no Thyroid. In bible times, I'd be dying right now. Medication keeps me alive. 

I am incomplete physically. 

     Some days, I think that as long as I take my meds, I will be okay. Is that how I view God? As just a pill to make things last longer? To make it from one day to the next? 

     I don't think that is how it was intended. I know God knows what he is doing, but sometimes, I forget that. I think, 'Why do I feel off?' Maybe it's because I am. 

    This is something hard to describe, but I have no one to talk to about it. Voicemail. Voicemail. Voicemail.

    God, tonight we watched a movie. The couple kissed and I let out a sigh of discontent, saying to you, 'It's just us, Love.' People say, "You're just 18.' What do they know about being a joke? What do people care, so long as it's not them? I honestly think that you're all I need at this point.

    I know people don't mean to let me down. I know that I should live with mercy and grace. So, why is it that I get frustrated until I just have to write just to process? I don't even know what I am trying to say. 

    God, you know what's gone on the past week inside of me. You know that I'm afraid. You know I'm trying to trust you. You know I'm trying to act like nothing major is about to happen the next few months. But things are going to change. I can feel it. People will move away. Friends will stumble. Doors will be closed. Doors will be opened. I'll find out what I'm doing this summer. I will sing in the choir I've always dreamed of, and no one will come to my concert. 

    I know you know. I'm sorry, God. Please keep reminding me that I am yours. Only  yours. I love you. I desire you. I take confidence in you. Lead me beside still waters. Take away fear. 

I applied to a college.

I'm Scared.

God, I hope you know what you're doing.