Running on Empty

I feel like Hank.

Hank is my sister's dog. He never really seems to understand that 'No' means 'No.'

Hank is a great dog who is small, smart and cute, but can be a punky little rat dog. Hank will bite or chew or something that you don't want him to do. Then, he runs away. He launches himself into this frenzy where he can't seem to know what's wrong. He just disobeys. Then, you say, "Hank. No!" and he does it again. 

"Hank No!" and he does it again.

"Hank..." and he runs.

There is this feeling in me of mad cleaning. Today I cleaned the living room and all I could think was, "How do you live like this? Why is his stuff here? Who does he think he is???" I cleaned the bathroom and thought, "Who doesn't clean these counters? Why does he think it's okay to drop things? Who's socks are these?? GROSS!" 

I know it's wrong, okay? I know that it's wrong. But that little, punky rat dog is running away. I feel like I'm running away from God. I know he's there but I can't bring myself to look him in the eye. I can't seem to learn lessons. So I go running. I get dizzy. I have to walk home.

So I clean the house. There are socks in the living room. I yell at no one. I have no missed calls.

So I clean my room. I can't breathe; I want to cry. I know I'm avoiding the most important relationship. But I'm playing that part. I say, "See! I cleaned!" but I know it's with the wrong attitude. God says 'clean it again.' I say to god, "I WANT to disobey you."

   What is wrong with me? I feel rather alone, if I may be so bold to you, single reader, and that's not a good thing. I know I need Christian support, but I feel like if I ask, I'm the sad, needy girl. God, send an answer. 

    So, I sadly go on to do laundry. I run a little further. I vow to spend time with God, though I don't feel like it will help. but I know it will. So I will obey, even when I really want to stop. 

God, send an answer. 

Link Crazy...

Here's something to chew on: Loose Ends

Start the day off right.

Do it.
Lindsey Kane is a favorite Artist and this makes me respect her. You don't even know. hahaha.
Grace and Peace!

What.

Is anyone  else engaged????

Here's to Kendra, Greg, Lindsay and David. 

LOVE!

All to say...

Lots of blogs lately. Who knows.
Here's what finally came out last night. I think it sums my feelings up. Honestly...

The times I doubt my faith the most are the times God has the most to say. I sit there in a state of disbelief secretly wondering if I’m doing any of the right things. If only the people around me knew, they would shake their heads in disappointment. I’m supposed to lead.
The question is here, desiring to be asked like our hearts right before Prom. We smile at it. We even make small talk, but no matter how much we know that we should, we avoid asking. It’s socially awkward. It’s taboo. It’s real and we are afraid.

What is it that we were put here to do?

Surely, this wasn’t what you were expecting. We ask this question all the time! When we are in traffic going to work. When we are at work. When we drive home from work. When we get home and sit on the couch watching David win Idol. It is constantly on the brain. What is the meaning of life?
The problem is not in the asking of the question. It’s a matter of the conviction we feel when we ask it. If we wondered aloud what it is we are here for and acted on it and kept each other accountable to it, we would never live in a similar way again.
…because about 70 percent of our lives is planned. I will wear this top to make people notice my tan. I will eat this food to look healthier. I will run so that I can say I ran. I will get a Facebook account and pretend I don’t check it often.
I’m speaking about what is, not what must be done.
What must be done is a total sprint in the opposite way.
You see, I’m the only one who lives with me. I love and hate myself the most. I know what I meant when I said that to your face. I know what I meant when I closed my eyes and sang. I know what I think of everyone. Sometimes, I am more than a little discouraged by myself. It is in those moments that God pulls me in a little closer and tells me that it’s supposed to work like that.
We tell ourselves that these things are deserved. The enemy has opted for oblivion and blindness. If no one else cares to know what I’m feeling, I can feel what I want. I can give in to selfishness. I can dig myself deeper in self-pity and frustration, dwelling on everything my Jesus came to save me from.
So why is it that I didn’t feel convicted until now? Why is it that some of us will live our entire lives asleep? Why do I so fear being alone?
The sad truth is it’s because I don’t believe God. I don’t believe that if I come to him weak and heavy laden that he will give me rest. I don’t believe him when he says that he will show himself to me if I seek him with all of my heart. I don’t want to give him all of my heart.
Can I be that honest? Every breath we take, we fall in some way. But, He is constantly renewing us day by day by day. His grace makes no sense.
If we dared to live with the fervor and the earnestness that the bible conveys, the world would look so much different. If I didn’t pry my way into people’s lives and we weren’t good friends, and they didn’t know me and I was okay with that, would anything be better? Once you ask these questions, you question your motives for everything.
I know that I stopped for an extra second so he would see me. I know I woke up earlier to do my hair. I know I talked about my friend behind her back and smiled to her face. I know that I seem confident.
I know that I’m not always compassionate. I know that I sometimes give just to give. Did you see what I gave?
And then I hit this wall over and over and over again: What now? If I changed everything, would I be the same? If I wasn’t the same, would anyone care? If no one cared, would I be whole enough in Christ not to?
Sometimes, the Change that needs to be instigated isn’t change as much as it is courage. Courage to eat what I want to. Courage to love someone without expecting it in return. The Courage to be willing to be forgotten so that Love can be remembered.
Christ alone turns my fear to excitement until I can hardly pour it out fast enough. He calms the nerves and he soothes my heart. He whispers to me ‘this is the way. Walk in it.’ He is willing to take me in, even when it takes me a while to notice.
The beauty is that God loves me. And he knows me. It’s not that he loves me in spite of the fact that I gossip aloud or look in the mirror. He loves me when I gossip in my head and he knows I’m not confident. The deeper issues do not stir his opinion of me. He loves me when I forget him. He loves me when I try and orchestrate my life. He loves me when I take the drivers wheel. He loves me when I’m more lost in Music than Him.
These are the moments when God shows me the stars. When God says to me, “The shooting ones are dying. The quiet ones are singing.”
So, am I willing to sing? Can I take a backseat? Can I work the lights instead of direct the play or get the stage kiss?
There is something bigger than You. There is something bigger than me. There is something bigger than our careers, our goals, our feelings, our families. There is something bigger than bible college, than secular college, than cell phones, than Facebook.
I am speaking about what is, and what must be done.
I have more words than I do decent sentences, so I’ll wrap this up: I’m going to find out what that looks like and put it all on the line just to see what Jesus meant when he said to be slow to speak.

Grace and Peace,
A new Melissa.

DONE?!

I need to buy new sunglasses. Min broke, and Summer will begin in 3 hours. I cannot wrap my head around it, but as I was wrapping my head around my schedule and life the past 24 hours, I was realizing how broken things can become. a little scotch tape here and there....and we're good.
Not really.
Last night I couldn't stop crying. I was either overwhelmed with the beauty of God or the worship of God or the fear and humbleness before God. It was amazing and a good thing to share with students. I didn't want to lead worship, but my sister said, "When you feel like you can't, you need to." So glad I did. It was mind-blowing.
Summer is nearly here and I still have a busy life outside of school. I decided to mix it up for my devotional today and read from Briomag.com (a favorite magazine from high school) when I came across an article from 2005. I encourage you to take a look.
Natalie really got me thinking, which was good. Which was God.
Today, as I wrap up my first year of college, it is witha prayer for dilligence and a prayer to never lose sight of the beauty around me. I'm trying to do a bunch of California things this summer before I move. The beach every week. Mountains at least once. Disneyland. Santa Barbara. An Angels game. It's going to be amazing.
Well, I'm off to study a little more before the last final. Political Science! (A crowd favorite) Thanks for reading my mind. (and maybe following some links!)

Ah, Love.

All this love is making me want to write a love song. 

I know, right? I think I need to go running or something because I am totally overwhelmed right now. God is incredible. No, seriously, I can't seem to get that out fast enough. 

It's looking like it might be a beautiful Summer. Finals are almost done. The sun is out. Friends are getting married left and right. School will begin. Adventures must commence.

They say the you know it's an adventure when no one is there at the airport to meet you.

I'm having a hard time describing this. 

God is incredible. No, seriously. I can't get that out fast enough.

Things never happen the same way twice.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

I'm not sure why I so love this new song. I think it's because it's from the new Narnia movie, which I loved. I sat there and I suddenly saw the bigger picture. God whispered to me in the battles and kisses and hugs and magic. God winked at me when Aslan said, "Things never happen the same way twice." He is so teaching me that right now.
I am going back to UCSF Comprehensive Cancer Center. The picture above is me at 16 before my scar. I feel like it's unfair because I made it out alive and the people that are there might not. The fighter within me wants to save them.
Yes, I'm going back. It's because I can't swallow when I look up. It will be okay. Of course, there's still a small amount of fear. I'm just looking at the building in a new light.
God is doing things. He is showing me the glory in lives that are lead by him. Marriages and Finals and new friends. Things are not meant to be on our own. As I sat in the theater, I wanted to cry when I watched them launch into battle after Peter said, " I think we've waited for Aslan long enough."
How often do I say that? I forget God. I choose to control my life. I choose to make a fist rather than raise my hands. I know that this whole UCSF thing is for a good reason. I need to come back to the place I called on God the most. The place he showed himself strongest in my weakness.
God will come back when we call him. There is nothing to fear, friend.

You know...

There are so many instances that I could let take over my life. It is amazing what a great God we serve. There are times when it seems like the world is falling down. But I was realizing yesterday, morning as I walked around SLO with a new friend, that when it gets tough, something else comes a long and just makes it all seem ridiculous and sort of hilarious. I suddenly see that if you squint hard enough, you will see the trees thru the forest. I so love that about God. 

The past week has been ridiculous. I've seen so much and yet I've changed so much. I feel like it was a thousand miles away. I savor days like today.

Today was Mother's Day, which I was kind of dreading. I had reason to believe that today would be a 'bad day' but it was a good day. With some coaxing, we went to lunch and had a trip to the ocean. What a blessing it was. Here are so pictures to prove that when things get heavy, God gives you good days. I know that tomorrow I'll go back to the real world, but this escape was much needed. I love my family. Even when It's hard to see this side of them. 

Remember the Blessings

 

Skarph.

It's sunny today in San Luis. What a thought!

I almost wore a scarf, but I didn't because I wouldn't allow a scarf in May. This reminded me of the silly things in life. So, I will tell you a story of the past, rather than the Present.

To steal the phrase from Lindsey Kane...

So There I was: In choir in high school. It was Advanced Women's choir my senior year. My dear, sweet friend Chelsea was (Oh! I just thought of another story! Anyway...)writing on the white board what we'd wear for our annual Christmas Caroling. Oh, sorry--"Holiday Caroling"Whatever.

Someone said Mittens. Chelsea wrote mittens. 

Someone else said Beanies. Chelsea wrote Beanies.

Someone said Scarf. Chelsea wrote scarf. 

What happened next was a combination of Choral Cabin Fever and Erin. We liked to mess with people. So I said, "Chels, it's spelled S-K-A-R-P-H."

Chelsea asked me if I was sure, and I was like, "What you don't believe me? I'm a journalist." 

So it was that the words Skarph was on the board for 2 weeks. Even when we had to re-write the list onto the other board. Skarph remained. Thanks Chelsea.

I don't know why that was so funny to me. Choral Cabin Fever and Erin can do that to you, I guess. You tell me. 

The other story is another AWC story. We always said AWC is AWCsome. Haha.

It was A few weeks later during Secret Santa. I was sitting with my friend Julie. I said, "Lets mess with Sydney" I think I was a bully for messing with so much. But what do you do?

It went down like this. Note: The middle of Secret Santa Week.

Me: Hey, Sydney.

Sydney: Yeah?

M: Julie is your secret Santa.

S: No, she's not!

M: Yeah. She is.

Julie (To Sydney): Yes I am.

S: No, you're not. You already told me you were Melissa's Secret Santa! 

J: NO!

Me: WHAT?!

Thus, a great mystery solved. Dagg.

On a more serious note, Thanks for Prayers, guys. The kids seem to be doing better. Prayers are still coveted as the community deals with it's loss. It's been only 2 days, but I can see God healing. Praise!

Love, you are Lovely.

http://www.ksby.com/Global/story.asp?S=8286064

And it's funny how this song is my escape into the arms of God as I collapse from emotional and spiritual exhaustion. Today was much longer than I had anticipated. I wanted to talk about God with a professor. She wasn't in the office. I wanted to hear from a missionary, but he thought that under current circumstances it'd be better to let the kids talk.
Once again, a life has been lost. He was 17. It was something straight out of a movie and it seems that that is the only way I can picture it right now. Perhaps it helps. It so reminded me of the new movie, "The life before her eyes." High School Tragedies are hard to swallow and it feels like it just keeps coming back up. I was sitting and leading worship with these kids until it felt like my fingers were going to bleed. I sang out until my voice was broken and tired. It seemed like it was all I could do. Everything was chaos.
There's something so difficult about being a high school leader. Because when they are in so much pain there is nothing you can do but pray. You don't know what to say and how to act and you feel very much so unlike a leader. You want to scream, but all that can come out is a whisper. You want to hug the kids, but you are afriad they might break. You look into their tired, red eyes and your heart breaks inside. I guess this is what it is to love. It's painful.
I know that God will reveal himself, but all I want of his right now is to be held by him. I want to unwind with God. I want to dance with him. I want to see him as my beloved. My strength.
I sound like a very sad person on this blog, but tonight I am a very sad person and that's okay. No one is answering. I guess that's for the best. I need God alone right now.
Please pray for my kids and what they saw today. Pray for wisdom as I meet with one of the girls who tried to pull him out of the pool. Pray for Grace and Peace in our small town and healing in our community. Only God is capable of good in this terrible mess of chaos.
I want you to know I love you. Even if we've never met. I love you so much.

Lady bugs and Car Accidents.

You know, I didn't think that things would affect me. I didn't know you could have flashbacks at 18. Last night, I was driving onto Highway 1 when a CHP came into the intersection. I gunned it out of the way, as he flew Northbound. I knew it from the moment I looked up that there was an accident.
About a mile further down, There was a truck on the southbound side. It was white and it was on it's side. People and Cars were crowding. I could physically see another accident that had happened earlier this year: I could feel the cold air shooting into my lungs that night as I pulled out my camera and notebook for the city paper. I could see the cars twisted and crushed into each other.
While this accident proved not to be fatal, my heart burned in my chest and my breath got short. All I could say was "Dad, I don't think I want to be a journalist."
The first time that was ever said.
There is this unrealistic fear in me that it will happen. I mean, they always say, "it'll never happen to me" but it seems to be all around me. Such is life, I guess.
All of this madness makes me think to myself (as I cannot sleep because of this) How is it that I'm supposed to take this? should I cover it? Should I pray about it? Should I ignore it? God has put me here for a reason and it seems that when I try to get it all, there is another car accident. Just over the hill. Just past the turn. Just through my camera lens.
When life and writing meet, there is journalism. When fears and chaos collide, there is warfare. When God speaks, I listen. I hardly even know what to say.
The Grace of God allows me to live on. I feel like I'm always on the scene and it concerns me. It makes me worry about death and car accidents and my future. May is going to be a rough month for my family, so I guess it's just on my mind.
The Grace of God allows me to live on.