I feel like Hank.
Hank is my sister's dog. He never really seems to understand that 'No' means 'No.'
Hank is a great dog who is small, smart and cute, but can be a punky little rat dog. Hank will bite or chew or something that you don't want him to do. Then, he runs away. He launches himself into this frenzy where he can't seem to know what's wrong. He just disobeys. Then, you say, "Hank. No!" and he does it again.
"Hank No!" and he does it again.
"Hank..." and he runs.
There is this feeling in me of mad cleaning. Today I cleaned the living room and all I could think was, "How do you live like this? Why is his stuff here? Who does he think he is???" I cleaned the bathroom and thought, "Who doesn't clean these counters? Why does he think it's okay to drop things? Who's socks are these?? GROSS!"
I know it's wrong, okay? I know that it's wrong. But that little, punky rat dog is running away. I feel like I'm running away from God. I know he's there but I can't bring myself to look him in the eye. I can't seem to learn lessons. So I go running. I get dizzy. I have to walk home.
So I clean the house. There are socks in the living room. I yell at no one. I have no missed calls.
So I clean my room. I can't breathe; I want to cry. I know I'm avoiding the most important relationship. But I'm playing that part. I say, "See! I cleaned!" but I know it's with the wrong attitude. God says 'clean it again.' I say to god, "I WANT to disobey you."
What is wrong with me? I feel rather alone, if I may be so bold to you, single reader, and that's not a good thing. I know I need Christian support, but I feel like if I ask, I'm the sad, needy girl. God, send an answer.
So, I sadly go on to do laundry. I run a little further. I vow to spend time with God, though I don't feel like it will help. but I know it will. So I will obey, even when I really want to stop.
God, send an answer.
2 comments:
Hi Melissa,
Am I the "single reader" you referred to in this entry? (That gave me an idea for a short story, by the way. Since I'm a writer too. Two strangers connect via a blog, and the whole story consists of just their blog entries... oooh there are so many possibilities.)
But that's not what I set out to write here. What did I really want to say... maybe that I know what it is to feel alone. That I often do. That I too can really identify with Hank the punk dog, especially these last few days. The running away feeling, any distraction will do... yet the empty space stays empty. Sigh. I think that in some ways we are always alone, in our own minds, our own bodies, our own thoughts... and yet, in some ways we are never alone. I don't know if my posting will cause you to feel less alone. Maybe not. Maybe these internal battles we simply must face... yes, alone. You will struggle through them and find your way back, I am confident. Everything in its own time, and everything for a reason. If that reason is just the good story or piece of writing that comes out at the end. :)
oops, I meant for that last sentence to say: "EVEN if that reason is just the good story or piece of writing that comes out at the end." Typo. I'm sleepy.
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