Accident

"...and I thought to myself, This can't be it. It can't end like this on Valentine's day."

I just watched the new Nooma Video called, "Open." I don't know why it's called that. I couldn't honestly tell you what Rob Bell said. I was too distracted with my own life.
Today feels like it's been a waste. It's been very unproductive. I didn't do my math.
Still, as I sit here, fully able to do it tonight, I'm not. It was a lazy Sunday and I am feeling very melancholy.
Today feels like it's been a dream. No thinking went on. I didn't spend time with God. I didn't run. I took a nap. I feel as though I am wasting my life; that I need to be making lists to accomplish anything.
I went to an old friend's house. It was empty. They've moved. So much crap went on in that house. So many sad memories. My childhood friends. My adult acquaintances. What happened? Why did the mother drink? Why did the father yell? Why did we let it go on? Why do we talk about boyfriends and high school?

1. Barnes and Noble: Pick-up special order book. Order the screenplay from 'Stranger than Fiction.'
2. Go buy perfume at the Gap.
3. Homework, I guess.

God, I am sorry. I feel like life won't stop moving, so I stop myself from moving. I don't pursue you. I don't adore you like I should. I am in a constant state of laziness, and for that--I am sorry. Honestly sorry.
Reveal to me your heart in this. Show me who you are, that I might know you more. Desire you more. Feel you more.

...Life never stops. I can't get today back. That Nooma video made me think about Car accidents and things I never wanted to see. Things that changed me in some way. I feel totally alone in this.
It says in the bible that God will give me the desires of my heart. I desire Moody. I desire the city. I desire for friends to stay and problems to go. I desire a lot of things. I guess the thing to remember is that in the end, we will all be tired. It'd better be for the right reasons.
I'm trying to live--I swear. I just hope I can prove that.