In Life,

One faces moments when things are changing and we are very aware of it.
Fears are faced.
Hearts are broken.
It seems to me that the last year has been a huge blur of moments memorable and ones I'd rather forget. It is hard for me to explain to people what has happened. It's not that I don't care about things. It's just that I am becoming realistic.
I am growing up.
Who knew that living this life would change so much on the day I entered my twenties? I can hardly write it down. My heart is quiet. My words are few. But I'm really okay with that. There is conflict, but there is peace. A unusual peace.
When I said goodbye to my friend Ashley the other week, I realized that no one I know knows her, really. And my life at Springhill was an area of my life that was...mine. Not my family's. Not my Moody friends'. Not anyone's. Mine.
In that moment I started to catch a hint of independence and change and quietness. I started to mourn over losing my teen years. I started to look back for just a moment. And now, I have taken a breath and I am starting to step into full adulthood. Slowly. Stepping.
My heart races even now as I look to this new phase of my life. More than a new chapter, this feels like a new book. New camera. New thoughts. New ideas. New friendships.
I so love the way that life changes. I thought for so long that I would hate it. That nothing would ever change. That I was always going to be a small-town girl with a passion to write and a need--a desperate need--for the ocean.
But what I have found these days is that I want things I didn't know I wanted. I want to live in the woods. I don't mind being single. I love camp and camping things. I love carabiners. I love hiking. I love friendships that are challenging. There is such a thing as a two-way relationship. It's okay to feel angry sometimes. I don't have to be okay. I don't have to be anything. I just need to keep my eyes of Jesus.
Even as I type, my fingers press harder and harder on the keys as something is pouring out from so deeply inside of me. An ache is floating slowly to the surface as I set down my resistance. I've been trying to cling to things that were me. things that are no longer me.
I never liked the movie Dumb and Dumber. I thought it was stupid and pointless comedy.
There is no way that I can continue to live the way that people want me to live. I need to be honest. I'm not going to hope that things are fine when I go to the dentist tomorrow. I'm going to pray. And I miss praying. I miss holding hands with close friends and praying with them. I miss relationships that are real and that I don't have to perform for.
I miss so many things. And the fact of the matter is, I have to leave it all behind me. I have to face the twenties with a new outlook. I cannot keep being a teenager who doesn't know what she wants. I know exactly what I want.
I want God. I want to speak to him in the morning and in the evening and in the middle of the night. I want to stop doubting His sovereignty and write damning sentences. I want to stop wording things the right way so as to get the results I want. I want to be His entirely. I want to start every day for the rest of my life in His presence.
I want relationships that are good and that are centered on Christ. I want to love people in every situation they are in and I want them to feel that Love. I want to put my arms around more people that need it. I want to travel. I want to be brave.
I want to take photos of what I see and not feel like I'm pretending to be a photographer. I want to make films that make people want to live differently. I want to fear less.
Normally, birthdays are supposed to be exciting. But not many called. And I took a nap. And somehow, it was just what I needed. I needed a day to move forward and to process before this all came out.
Tomorrow, life continues and I know just who I want to start the day with.
Here's to tomorrow.
And the next day.
And the next day.
And my twenties.
And every day for the rest of my life.