Thoughts on sitting in a vineyard.

Yesterday I went to a place I hadn’t been in a while. It’s a vineyard about 2 miles from Cuesta college. I pulled to the side of the road, picked up Walking with God by Eldredge and got out of the car. I walked over to the grapes and sat down in the dirt, against a branch.
I had some things to do already and I knew I only had about an hour to spare. So much around me needed to be done and yet, I knew that if I didn’t spend time with God I would probably burst.
It was a nice enough day and I was able to wear shorts and a Tee Shirt and not be frozen stiff. As soon as I sat down, my cell phone fell out of my hand into the dirt. Since it’s spring, the vineyards are pretty soft and cultivated getting ready for a summer of growing. The field is cleaned up and the dirt is soft, so it left a little bit of dust on my phone.
I settled into the branch behind me. As I began to read about how God wants me to find him and listen to him, the wind started to blow. Still, it wasn’t so bad, because I really was being warmed by the sun. But as the time went on, The wind blew harder and harder and I found it more and more difficult to read.
There was literally a battle going on as I struggled to find God. A battle of the sun versus the wind. The warm versus the cold. I was fighting the distractions, determined to finish the chapter.
So often in my own life, I get distracted by the wind. My true source of life and light and warmth is nice and I am safe and content. After a bit, a little breeze comes by and it is nice. Soon, I begin to desire the wind. It come stronger and stronger until it is out of control. I soon do not want the wind but it is just too late.
Yesterday, I realized what a battle it is for us to simple spend time with God. What seems like a harmless distraction becomes a roadblock.
A few times a week, I sit on the second floor of Barnes and Noble’s in SLO and look out at the people below me in the plaza. Almost every time, I see the strangest thing: This man in an automatic wheelchair sits and watches people, making them feel uncomfortable and hold their kids a little closer. Every day he sits and smokes cigarette after cigarette, just watching people with this tired awkward look on his face.
Several times now, I’ve seen him go over to the security guard who watches the plaza and mutter something. After a moment’s hesitation, the guard always leans over, reaches into the man’s fanny pack, pulls out the pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and lights the man’s cigarette. He breathes in and she shakes. He smokes and coughs and gags. Still, that guard will light his cigarettes.
I wonder why it is that we fell into this trap. We see something that looks like a good idea, when in reality it is making the problem worse. I am not saying this man is a bad man, or the guard is a bad guard. I’m just sitting here on the second floor, wondering if that’s how things are supposed to work.
When one forgets to spend time with God, one begins to take things into their own hands. After a week of prayer, they assume God will not work and they make the first move. Things will always fall apart.
I wonder what it’s going to take before I stop doing what I think I’m supposed to do. Before I stop lighting cigarettes and realize that I’m making the problem worse. Before I enjoy the sun without the wind.
God, teach me to understand that things aren’t in my control, but that doesn’t mean I need to give up. Help me to fight to see and feel the sun. Remind me that I am yours and that you are worth fighting for. Discipline me to spend time with you, even when it’s against my instinct.