Rocky Road.

I wish that my problems would melt like the ice cream in my mouth. Somehow, Ice Cream makes my life better in a way that nothing else can. It's kind of like writing. Things are consumed. Things can be sweet. You usually don't get sick of it.
I wonder why it is that I am continually hitting this wall. It's like, I know what I need to give up (Fears, Anxiety, Stress...) and yet I seem to be unable. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I can't desire it. Truly take every thought captive.
So many times I find myself learning so much and getting so close to God. I desire to be with him. I desire to please him with my life. I desire to keep his trust and to trust Him with everything. Just the same, things come at me like a whirlwind, throwing things around, making the picture blurry, the goal-line becomes too far away, and I consider giving up. I consider going back to the way things were. To living in fear. Living in doubt.
I am sure that this is not what my saviour intended.
Now comes the part of figuring out what to do. How to please God. I think that I need to stop listening to lies. All of my life, I didn't think I was like those around me. I didn't think I would be weak. I don't take naps. I don't take medicine, except for what keeps me alive. I don't allow myself to mope around. I will run. I will golf. I will turn to God. I will change things.
If I don't I will cease to live in a way I need to live.
Yet, here I am, struggling with the things I swore I wouldn't.
Hmm. I want so much to please God. I want so much to live with Joy that overcomes my fears. To be someone who is an encouragement and a blessing.
On nights when I want that the most, nights like tonight, when I'm feeling to far from that: God waits for me.
I'm coming, Love. I'm struggling, but I'm coming.
I know you will meet me where I am at. I'm relying on it. I'm trying to rely on you.