Really?

In the Quiet.
In the Stillness.
I know that you are GOd.
In the Secret of your presence
I know that I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose
There is no one else for me.
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos
In confusion I know
You're sovreign still
In the moment
of my weakness
you give me grace to do your will
So when you call I won't delay.
This my song through all my days.
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring You praise
All delight is in you, Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forever more.

When things don't make sense, God does and I need to take refuge in that. Perhaps I was talking to myself when I told a friend that God does things we don't understand. They just are.
And when it comes down to it, I need to remember that.
This break will be longer than I thought.
The Nearness of God is my good.

Tired Eyes.

And after 15 hours of flight, I am back. California is much like I imagined. Only different. My bed isn't the same. My sheets are gone. Things are messy. (They will be debating the complexities of that sentence for years to come!)
There is a part of my heart in Chicago. I never knew that it was so true. Not much of me is here as I hung up photos and memories from Chicago on my Atascadero wall. They are missed.
I guess it is too early to tell, but I want something. Perhaps it is Jesus. Backroads Jesus. Perhaps it is friends. Maybe it is Christmas, or Hanukkah or one of the seemingly thousands of things that is running thru my mind.
So, in this sad attempt to get my thoughts down, I have decided this: Tomorrow, I'm going to eat, backroads, run and then Write. The perfect start.
Jesus, come meet me here. I missed you. I missed the stars. The soft cool. The silence. Love me all over again as I try to do the same with every jet-lagged ounce of me.

My fingers are cold.

They have been all day, but it's better than cold feet. And cold ears.
There is something about New York. It seems that every morning I have woken up has been better. The first day I was tired. The next I was waking up. By today I was finally waking up enough to really see New York.
And, as much as I miss home, and I wanted home, I don't feel like there is enough time here. I have a strange feeling deep within me that this city will always do that to me. I will always be unsure and then I'll lean back and nothing will be there.
This city plays tricks with my heart, too. I never know who I am here. Atleast it takes me most of the time I'm here to figure out who I am and why I'm here. I sit and write and wonder to myself if I will always be haunted by this city. Last time, I was in Manhattan and I saw beauty. Now I'm in Brooklyn and I see History and faith. I wonder if next time I will end up in the Bronx.
Processing all of this almost makes me tired, and I think I'm going to bed.
But God is here. And I'm here. And if there was any indication today, tomorrow will be lovely. I'm so glad I'm in love with my sweet Jesus. Together, we face NYC tomorrow.
Happy Chanukkah, friends. Hashi Vey nu Adonai E LeAh.

Snowing.

As I sit in front of the window looking out, I am overwhelmed. The song, "Time" is playing as I smile at how on beat it is with the falling snow. We've gotten close to 4 inches this afternoon and it is the best possible way to go out.
This morning, I took my OT final and the weight of the past 12 weeks slowly was lifted 1/200th at a time. Students are carrying bags across the plaza and each other across the plaza.
"The Call" just came on. suddenly it is so appropriate. The refrain "I'll come back" is played as I get a chill. Friends slide across the snow as I prepare my heart for Christmas and Hanukkah. As I prepare to run in Central Park day after tomorrow.
The idea of New York City is so wonderful to me. Words cannot express.
Everyone is leaving or dreaming about leaving. No one wants to pack, but everyone wants to go. I took Jess to the Airport. Man, I'm going to miss that girl. I'm going to miss Moody. I'll miss the hustle and bustle of Joe's. I'll miss the snow silencing the city. I'll miss having everything at my fingertips. I'll miss my girls. I'll miss running down Chicago Ave. I'll miss the Dean. I'll miss fist-bump Friday. I'll miss my professors. I'll miss the Plaza. I'll miss the sunrises.
And yet, at this time of year I am reminded of the one who was born to die. The God who gave him away. The love that was brought into the world. I remember snowball fights. I remember West Chicago. I remember ICI. I remember losing my glasses. I remember God meeting me. I remember writing what seem like a book. There is a strange peace about me and where I'm at. And God is saying, "Get into these arms" and I feel home.
For every thing that could break my heart. For every moment I could and do fall down. For every teardrops on my guitar moment, God is there and that makes everything better.
I'm glad I'm in the Monday Club. I'm glad that I know how to be friends with guys. I am glad I can love the girls on my floor without jelosy. I'm glad I can watch the snow fall down and know in my heart of hearts that nothing is falling down as long as He holds my hand.
Praise to Adonai: The keeper of my heart.

You are here.

Try to find me in this picture.
I was there.
And now, I am here.
There are times when nothing is due and the next few hours could take you anywhere.
There are moments when life just makes a lot of sense.
There are instances when I am at peace as the city sits, quietly anticipating the holidays.
And at last, in a moment of weakness, the buildings shine the colors from their rooftops.
The trees in the Plaza are quietly breaking.
The sidewalk is sprinkled with water stains.
The light posts are wrapped in red and light, welcoming in the season of our savior.
We are wrapped in scarves and the scents of cookies for Hanukkah.
The cold is a constant presence, but I'm determined not to let it bother me.
For Jesus didn't come to hear us complain.
What a terrible Birthday we often make it.
Have we forgotten what any of this means?
Apparently so.
I wonder to myself if the Monday club will meet today.
I need to buy a black long sleeved shirt, and I kind of just want to see Chirstmas.
For a season, the world comes together and tries to pretend it is okay.
We try and smile.
Of course, I know the Birthday Boy.
And so I have something to celebrate.
I pity those who simply do not.
In the mean time, I wear an extra layer.
I take the El downtown, admiring Chicago through the dim windows.
I find myself on State Street--that great street
Compliments of Mr. Sinatra.
And the season will be upon me until I contain it not longer.
And at last, in a Moment of weakness, I shine colors from my smile.
Sweet.
Jesus.

Rain Rain Rain...

It's back. At least the temperature is warming up. It's now in the 40's--Jubilation!
On days like today, when work is getting done, I must stop and live a little. Oh, the love of my life is so evident in thse moments. I love the way he does that.
I don't really mind the rain, though I do mind the fact that my skin is losing pigment. Hmm...
I thought I would write in an attempt at getting things out, but I guess by the grace of God, nothing needs to come out right now. We enjoy these days. Praise be to God the Almighty the King of Creation. Oh, my soul praise him for he is mine. Hope and Salvation.

Walk. See. Focus. Think. Throw. Friends.