Break.

And Loralei yelled at Luke outside the diner and she cried out "I Love you!' over and over again. And Rory cried when Logan left because she knew that he was leaving for a long time.
And I cried when I looked at my schedule and realized that I didn't want most of the things on it to be there and I just wanted to run away to anywhere into the arms of someone.
It's 1:22 am in Chicago right now, but I'm not tired, because I'm not in Chicago.
There is this feeling in my heart that has been lingering since last week of total unsettle. I'm not 'Settling into God' like the title above says. I'm tired and I'm weary and I just want this to be okay and I needed more than anything for someone to tell me it was going to be okay, and I got voicemail after voicemail and then Lorelai ended up cheating on Luke and everyone felt like, "This is not how it's supposed to be."
But how is it supposed to be?
Am I supposed to never see him again? Am I supposed to let my heart get broken? Do you stand there and let someone do that to you? Can I sleep without fear of nightmares? When I get back to Chicago, will I be hugged? Will I have to knock on their doors? And will everyone here know that I love them? Did I fail in her eyes as much as it feels like? Did she get the voicemail. Does she remember praying for me? Will her questions be answered.
2 years is a really long time when you're almost 20 years old and you are watching someone climb down the ladder when you desperatley want them to come up to the roof with you to watch stars and discuss love. 2 years is a long time for two friends who don't ever know what's happening. 2 years is a long time, God.
Are you sure that you don't want him to call? Did I do something wrong? Am I planning this out too much? Can you forgive me for that and let me have him back? Did you want me to get this attached just to pull it apart? Are you sending me to this place to pull me in? Because I got the hint.
I turned on the radio and I heard the music and before I knew it, I was almost crying as I shouted out "I want to fall in love with you" and yet. I'm sorry. I know I do, but I've been putting falling in love on the shelf. Because it's hard to fall in love again with someone who you think is playing a trick on you. And it's hard to trust a God that feels so far away tonight.
But I know that you make enough sense to believe. Even though it isn't that much right now. And I know you're calling me to you, but I don't know how to be there. I can't process anything unless I spill everything.
Was it part of the plan to see those Jewish children playing in the snow? Was it part of the plan to see snow in Chicago dancing from the clouds? Was it part of the plan to re-open wounds when all I wanted was rest?
All Lorelai wanted was to get married. And Rory just wanted Logan to stay. And I wanted to spend time the right way. But we all got our hearts broken because maybe the things that we need are not what we think we need. Maybe seperation is the only option.
God, I don't like this. This feeling of almost upset. Of Almost angry. Of Almost crying.
And so we sit here tonight as you look into my eyes and I look into yours. And we sit in silence as the guitar sits in silence against the old chair. And my eyes ask a thousand questions. And yours stay the same. Like a toddler trying to fit the piece into the hole, I twist and turn until I finally get it. But you stay the same until I can fit my life into yours. Until I can settle into you.
Perhaps I will wake up in the morning to sunshine and humming. Perhaps I will wake up in the middle of the night afraid. Perhaps I will wake up to pressure on my heart still. Either way, you are constant.
So, forgive me for being so inconsistent. Forgive me for every moment of unbelief and avoidance. I do not deserve your grace. You do not deserve my human brokeness. But we get it. You get my brokenness and I get your grace.
An unfair trade, but the only one there is in this moment.
And fighting I flail. And running I flee. And outreaching you gather. And quietly I protest. And eventually I settle down long enough for the pain to settle in so that maybe I can learn a lesson.
But they are so hard to learn.
Oh, God.