Lots of blogs lately. Who knows.
Here's what finally came out last night. I think it sums my feelings up. Honestly...
The times I doubt my faith the most are the times God has the most to say. I sit there in a state of disbelief secretly wondering if I’m doing any of the right things. If only the people around me knew, they would shake their heads in disappointment. I’m supposed to lead.
The question is here, desiring to be asked like our hearts right before Prom. We smile at it. We even make small talk, but no matter how much we know that we should, we avoid asking. It’s socially awkward. It’s taboo. It’s real and we are afraid.
What is it that we were put here to do?
Surely, this wasn’t what you were expecting. We ask this question all the time! When we are in traffic going to work. When we are at work. When we drive home from work. When we get home and sit on the couch watching David win Idol. It is constantly on the brain. What is the meaning of life?
The problem is not in the asking of the question. It’s a matter of the conviction we feel when we ask it. If we wondered aloud what it is we are here for and acted on it and kept each other accountable to it, we would never live in a similar way again.
…because about 70 percent of our lives is planned. I will wear this top to make people notice my tan. I will eat this food to look healthier. I will run so that I can say I ran. I will get a Facebook account and pretend I don’t check it often.
I’m speaking about what is, not what must be done.
What must be done is a total sprint in the opposite way.
You see, I’m the only one who lives with me. I love and hate myself the most. I know what I meant when I said that to your face. I know what I meant when I closed my eyes and sang. I know what I think of everyone. Sometimes, I am more than a little discouraged by myself. It is in those moments that God pulls me in a little closer and tells me that it’s supposed to work like that.
We tell ourselves that these things are deserved. The enemy has opted for oblivion and blindness. If no one else cares to know what I’m feeling, I can feel what I want. I can give in to selfishness. I can dig myself deeper in self-pity and frustration, dwelling on everything my Jesus came to save me from.
So why is it that I didn’t feel convicted until now? Why is it that some of us will live our entire lives asleep? Why do I so fear being alone?
The sad truth is it’s because I don’t believe God. I don’t believe that if I come to him weak and heavy laden that he will give me rest. I don’t believe him when he says that he will show himself to me if I seek him with all of my heart. I don’t want to give him all of my heart.
Can I be that honest? Every breath we take, we fall in some way. But, He is constantly renewing us day by day by day. His grace makes no sense.
If we dared to live with the fervor and the earnestness that the bible conveys, the world would look so much different. If I didn’t pry my way into people’s lives and we weren’t good friends, and they didn’t know me and I was okay with that, would anything be better? Once you ask these questions, you question your motives for everything.
I know that I stopped for an extra second so he would see me. I know I woke up earlier to do my hair. I know I talked about my friend behind her back and smiled to her face. I know that I seem confident.
I know that I’m not always compassionate. I know that I sometimes give just to give. Did you see what I gave?
And then I hit this wall over and over and over again: What now? If I changed everything, would I be the same? If I wasn’t the same, would anyone care? If no one cared, would I be whole enough in Christ not to?
Sometimes, the Change that needs to be instigated isn’t change as much as it is courage. Courage to eat what I want to. Courage to love someone without expecting it in return. The Courage to be willing to be forgotten so that Love can be remembered.
Christ alone turns my fear to excitement until I can hardly pour it out fast enough. He calms the nerves and he soothes my heart. He whispers to me ‘this is the way. Walk in it.’ He is willing to take me in, even when it takes me a while to notice.
The beauty is that God loves me. And he knows me. It’s not that he loves me in spite of the fact that I gossip aloud or look in the mirror. He loves me when I gossip in my head and he knows I’m not confident. The deeper issues do not stir his opinion of me. He loves me when I forget him. He loves me when I try and orchestrate my life. He loves me when I take the drivers wheel. He loves me when I’m more lost in Music than Him.
These are the moments when God shows me the stars. When God says to me, “The shooting ones are dying. The quiet ones are singing.”
So, am I willing to sing? Can I take a backseat? Can I work the lights instead of direct the play or get the stage kiss?
There is something bigger than You. There is something bigger than me. There is something bigger than our careers, our goals, our feelings, our families. There is something bigger than bible college, than secular college, than cell phones, than Facebook.
I am speaking about what is, and what must be done.
I have more words than I do decent sentences, so I’ll wrap this up: I’m going to find out what that looks like and put it all on the line just to see what Jesus meant when he said to be slow to speak.
Grace and Peace,
A new Melissa.
